Monday 11/19/12 - Ellie Von Bun
I have spent last few weeks working with SEO and trying to advertise my blog to a different places so I could get readers and become super famous. Because blogs are still extremely popular and everyone wants that easy way to become interesting and famous, there are millions of blogs with thousands of categories for me to compete with.
Now I've got to the point where you can find me from a search engine, but only if you know you're looking Raisin Bun exactly. But who the hell knows to search for that while looking for an awesome blog?
And here is my biggest problem. People find a topic they like, then search for specifically that. If it's from a blog list or a search engine.
I still don't know what my subject is besides personal, and nobody searches for personal blogs.
That is why I decided to try put something from a few topics I've found while looking other blogs to see what is so good about them! Let's see if I can find my favorite.
1. Fashion blog
Here is my outfit today. As you can see, I pull jeans off. So that's what I'm wearing. Also it was a cold morning and I was too tired to put anything prettier. This t-shirt is one of my loves, Game of Blades. Yeah, awesome!
My hair is super nicely today as I overslept and had to go to shower and put a hat on top of a wet hair when leaving for work.
Also check out my nails! I put on some black color on them over a week ago and am too lazy to take it off.
Maybe I only should take pictures of these awesome t-shirts and leave all the fashion crap to someone who actually gives a shit.
2. Weight blog
Here's my situation now. I probably have gained 1,6kg from the last time being on a scale but who knows.
I tried to do that horrible pose with no head that shows only tummy and boobs but I couldn't stand still. This is so much better!
Is this my ideal weight? No. Will I lose some weight and achieve my goal? Most likely no. Will I even try? As long as I'm not nearing a whale-like size, everything's cool.
Nobody wants to hear me whining about my tummy and not doing anything about it. So no.
3. Pregnancy blog
Sometimes when I eat badly, my food baby actually starts to kick!
It's the miracle of life!
Even though I may look like being 4 to 5 months pregnant, I'm not.
4. Wedding blog
This is my boyfriend and we're getting married. His name is Mellon and we're in love!
Actually he hasn't proposed to me yet, but I know he's going to and there's no harm in small planning!
Like booking a church.
Or buying a dress.
Hiring a caterer.
You know, those small things.
My personal favorites are those blogs that end in "This blogs ends now as the wedding is canceled". What, you were planning on getting married in three years and you were already going berserk and crazy and the man couldn't take it? Shocking.
5. Tech blog
So I stalk all the time who and how people visit my site. I also see with what queries my blog comes up.
My absolute favorite for now is "How to use a vibrator". You actually need directions with that?
But because I'm such a good person, I think I'll just provide this manual as it seems there's more than one person who has sought the answer for this problem
Find the on/off button(s).
Press the on button.
Insert the vibrator (that should be buzzing) to a preferred location. Put it in your belly button if you want, the hell I care.
Congratulations! You now know how to use a vibrator!
This actually is a fun topic (tech stuff, not the vibrator stuff. Although now when I think about it, that's fun topic also) and there is a possibility that you may hear more of this.
Maybe my problem here is jumping from one subject to another with the speed of light. Attention span of a squirrel? Never.
6. Sport blog
Today I played so hard that I almost got exhausted.
7. Whore blog
What the hell is wrong with you?
Don't even think about it.
8. Food blog
Yesterday I had my hangover burger with fries. Today as my second day hangover, I think I'll go with pizza.
On top of it some tuna, ham and blue cheese. Oh yeah, and maybe bacon. Yeah, bacon!
There might be some other hangovery food-types on the back.
Wait, I actually have something important and even a little interesting to say being teeny tiny bit disabled. I do have celiac disease (hell, I don't even know how to spell it, let alone pronounce it) which fucks up my eating systems as I can't eat wheat, barley, rye and sometimes oats.
Also my stomach likes being motherfucking pain in the ass (pun intended) so I should watch my eating more carefully.
As long as I won't end up only whining about a little pain in my tummy, I will come back to this. Especially when I'm traveling.
9. Travel blog
Here I'm rocking Miami beach. All I could think was Vice Citying up and find me a baseball bat and steal a helicopter. Me and my brother decided that we most likely are messed up as that was the only thing we could think of. Besides driving some whores over with a car. Healthy.
Our parents liked this plan very much. But come on, it's the same god damn beach!
It was a family trip and we did visit Key West, Everglades aaand gorgeous shopping mall. I bought Nintendo DS. Fuck yeah.
I love to travel and I am going to Canada next year, so I definitely will talk about traveling. Problem is, it's easy to go to the dark side where it sounds like you're on a walking trip through a desert.
Luckily I do have a few stories that are worth mentioning.
On the other hand, when I'm in Canada I have to tell a bit boring stuff, as I'm there 4 months and people back home want to know what's up. So be prepared for some "Today I went for a walk. I saw some pretty nice buildings. Then I ate carrots."
This picture has a carrot. And very horrible blur.
Last weekend one of my best friends visited me and we spent a quiet evening chilling until our asses were raw and drinking wine like little apes. That was Friday.
And I'm still feeling the effects of our Saturday.
He left yesterday, but I'm hoping we get together again ASAP!
This is the most common blogging style there is. This is also the most forgettable and boring subjects. Unless you personally know the writer or the writer has exceptionally interesting lifestyle, you just don't care.
Of course there are different ways to talk about your personal stuff and it's almost every time the second subject alongside the prime subject. But if you forget the difference between a diary and a blog, stop blogging.
This is also my mistake and my problem. So I'm a bit hypocrite. Shoot me.
For now it is the prime subject of my blog, but I'm still trying to find a way to make it enjoyable for other people too.
And the most annoying thing about these kinds of blogs is the grammar. I may have a lot of spelling errors, other mistakes and I swear sometimes, but at least I'm trying.
Thus ends my jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber, also known as blogging about blogging. I wish I could end it with a gif of my photos I took for this post as they do have some awesome poses, but I think I go with something else.
Because I can.
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Thursday 11/15/12 - Ellie Von Bun
I'm those kind of people who cry at the end of a sad movie. Holy smokes how awkward things can be when you cry like a little baby, sobbing with puffy eyes, face wet and red, when you are not comfortable crying in front of anyone, ever.
I register a lot of things around me, even though I don't realize it. At least I don't show it enough, and from time to time I have to go through those annoying conversations.
Somebody: "This is such a big thing, really really huge, oh my you'll be surprised!"
And then somebody tells me that something "exciting that'll blow your mind".
Me: "Oh yeah that, yeaah, I already kinda knew that.."
And then I have to spend the next hour explaining that I haven't really spied on anyone, I just listened and noticed peoples behavior.
While I do know things about people around me, I don't emphasize enough with them to annoy many (girl best friends, boyfriends). I still can give a good advice while not following them myself. Do what I say, not what I do. If I want to make my mistakes, let me. I am aware of them.
When it comes to fictional stuff, my mind goes stupid and emphasizes the crap out of everything. My mind actually believes it's in Hogwarts or Tamriel, killing zombies in apocalypse, you name it. Then all my registering is mirrored in my dreams and takes me to the edge of sanity. Although awesome, my dreams are sometimes messed up and exhausting and can decide how my head works the next day.
I do wish I could paint or draw, as I'll never be able to explain exactly what I've seen and experienced nightly. It's something completely insane and wonderful and I love it.
It's no surprise that I'm unable to watch horror movies with a mind like this. My imagination fills the pieces I haven't watch and relives all the moments from the movies I've seen and sometimes it's hard to handle.
A very low moment of my life happened when I was 15 and had spent few years trying to get over my fears. I had just learned to walk stairs calmly after closing the lights at home without a fear that somebody was behind me trying to murder me. When I was walking alone in the dark, I didn't have to run because the ghost face from Scream would be running behind me. I was insanely scared of ghost face (never seen the movies) and when I was asleep, I had to cover my neck in case of vampires.
I was happy as my confidence was growing and I could actually spend a night alone at our summer cottage without any symptoms of feardom.
Sadly, my joy and happiness was about to be destroyed by my friends.
I had a group of girlfriends, as a normal teenager, and experienced a heavy load of social pressures and psychological battles. The most severe one was when it was the groups Queen Bees sidekicks birthday and the two of them wanted to see a movie.
We agreed on the plans to have a dinner and then see the movie at our local cinema, and as it was Monday and a school night, then go home. Few days before the day, I realized the movie we were planning to see was actually a Japanese based horror movie called The Grudge. I said no to that.
It was painful, two of my friends weren't fans of horror films either and would have been okay with a different movie. But no. For the two leaders of our group, it was the only movie they wanted to see. It was that movie or no movie.
Then I proposed a plan that I come to the dinner and hang with them until the movie starts and then leave for home. Apparently it wouldn't be fun if everyone wasn't there so that was no option either. Well, how about if we would just have the dinner then? Oh, but now the day would be ruined and would be the best that we didn't do anything at all.
After a time of fighting, it came to that it was either me watching the god damn movie, or my friend wouldn't celebrate her birthday at all.
And to the movie we went!
I screamed only twice the whole time, due to the fact that I kept my eyes closed at least for half of the movie. At some point I even had my hands on my ears so I wouldn't have to listen to it. My eyelids couldn't stay closed as they were shaking so bad. And yet I was too embarrassed to leave in the middle of the film. I wish I would have.
And of course my stupid brain was curious to peek at some parts I didn't want to see, and added all the missing parts when I kept my eyes closed.
Next day at school I met my well-rested friends who hadn't any problems in the world. I on the other hand looked like if somebody had punched both my eyes.
No surprises here, but I ensured some awkward laughter as I hadn't slept all night.
I finally fell asleep of exhaustion the next night, somewhere around 4am while having lights and music on. The whole week I had my personal nights of the living dead, couldn't handle being alone and felt that my life wasn't living for.
A looot of time later I finally catch on sleeping, but my previous success in confidence and not being afraid all the time was shattered. I woke up every night to nightmares about creepy dead girls, dark attics and buildings in the middle of forests. All the other horrors came back and haunted my nights.
For the next half a year I had to bring a radio to shower with me, so that I would have my mind occupied from hearing wet footsteps around me. Next couple years I spent never closing both my eyes while washing myself. It's not funny when you have shampoo in your eye when you try to wash half your face at a time.
I liked to doodle my books and notes to an unrecognizable state, and I sometimes draw the eye of the Grudge girl and was scared of the ugly drawing.
In the end the nightmares started to let go and my nights became bearable. Of course I still have a lot of nightmares, they're just not trying to give me a heart attack at the same volume.
If there's a one good thing about the whole ordeal, it's that I got quickly over my teenagers whining about not wanting to go to the sauna with my mother. After that I begged my mom to go with me as I was too scared to go alone. And then I had somebody to cover my back and could actually close my eyes while washing hair and face!
I hope my friends learned at least some kind of lesson seeing my life crumbling in front of their eyes and having to witness the cause of their behavior in me.
I've had a lot of work with my insecurities and fears, but I'm still bitter about that small little event that caused so much trouble in my fragile mind. Actually those people aren't my friends anymore, we grew apart really quickly after going to upper secondary school soon after.
And oh, it is such a shame.
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Sunday 11/11/12 - Ellie Von Bun
I can't stand loans. I don't want to owe anything to my friends and I hate having a student loan. I'm also really skeptic when someone offers me something, presumably free.
Why I am such a sissy pants when it comes to friends and loans goes back to the time when in Finland instead of euros we had marks. I'd say that one euro is approx 6 marks, so 20 euros is close to 120 marks and so on. Of course nowadays 20e is not that big a deal, but back then, 100mk was a whole lot of whopping money (especially for a kid).
I was about 10 years old and I had an awesome friend, Mary. I didn't have a lot of money, I got 5mk a week or less and it went straight to paying back candy money I've loaned from my friends.
Now don't judge me, I was young and I absolutely loved sweets and goodies! So after school when my friends and I went to a candy shop nearby, how could I just stand and watch my friends buying and eating all the sweets and have nothing for myself? My friends always gave me like 10mk to buy for myself even though I said I didn't get more than the 5mk once a week.
I was always horribly in debt to my friends and overly stressed in my young candy loving mind.
Actually I was also in debt to my sisters all the time. My friends said that I never did have money because we bought a lot of games with my siblings, which isn't entirely untrue. I just "paid" by growing my loans, therefore not having any money to the other piles of money I already didn't have. I never understood where my friends got their money, as they always had it and I never did.
One day I promised to accompany my friend Mary as she wanted to go to a shopping-spree. Her mom had gave her 300mk and said that she could use it as she wanted, as long as she'd get the things she was in need for.
That horrible day which would forever haunt my little mind, Mary had a lot of little things she needed and we went to a few shops to get her stuff you don't actually need. We were all over the place and found all kinds of beautiful crap, everything from picture frames to baskets shaped like a duck.
I was a bit sad as I couldn't buy that crap for myself so Mary told me that it wasn't a big deal, she could pay for me. My little mind went static and I asked her over and over again that did she really mean that, as it's her money and I could never just use her money like that. She said "Don't you worry, I can pay for your purchases too. I have money and you don't so I should pay!".
With a new exciting twist we went completely berserk and just crabbed all kinds of stupid stuff (stupider than a duck basket) and yes, she paid it all.
Later when I went home, my parents worriedly wondered about the crap I had with me and I explained happily that we had just shopped a bit with Mary. Naturally they asked about with what money I had actually paid everything and I assured that Mary insisted on paying, so everything was okay.
After a loooong conversation my parents accepted that and resumed their life when I was about to ruin my own.
Next day at school I met Mary and we had a laugh how stupid we were yesterday and that we indeed spent a lot of money. Her next words sent me straight to my better place in my head.
Mary: "Haha, yeah, I know, quite crazy. Anyway, I calculated our purchases and you owe me 120mk."
Honestly I thought she was kidding and replied "Oh wow, that's a lot of money!" with a sudden fear creeping in my heart.
Mary: "Yeah, it is, but don't worry, you don't have to pay me immediately, just whenever you can!"
Then I realized she was dead serious and I had screwed up a big time. Time stopped moving, my heart skipped a beat and I was on a verge of sinking into a psychosis of my own misery.
After what felt like an hour the time resumed moving and I got a grip of myself and managed to act like I was going to pay really soon and she hadn't anything to worry.
It was amazing how I could function at all with that amount of stress my young life had to go through. I calculated very carefully how many weeks I'd have to save from my weekly pocket money which I may or may not have to gather the whole 120mk. Not only that, but all the others were expecting their money also, but it wasn't anything compared to the current screw up.
My little mind realized that I would have to save for the next 5 to 6 months just to pay back for Mary. So I ended up losing my sleep and my waking hours was used to figuring out a solution for my problem and stressing over how I was probably going to die.
Any smart kid would have gone to their parents and told them the whole story, but I was a different sort of kid. Even then I preferred solving my own problems and not telling anybody anything too big about my life. So I told no one, not my parents, nor siblings nor any friend. I was a mess, but I had decided to make it through.
Of course I failed the saving process the very next week, again to candy and other debt which payment someone was expecting.
Then again, who 10-year-old have the self-discipline to save all the money they got for half a year anyway, especially a little unpredictable squirrel like myself?
So my option about saving was out.
I had only one reasonable solution.
I denied it all.
For the next year or so Mary kept constantly asking for her money back and I always had the same answer, that I didn't have any at the moment. I eased my guilt with the fact that it in theory was true.
After a few months she dropped the debt to even 100mk and I was relieved. Mary started to get annoyed by my actions and our friendship started to lose it's shiny edge.
After over half a year she said that 50mk would do just fine and I really decided to pay her that. Mary started to get desperate as her mom had indeed got mad for spending all that money on a one trip for stupid crap.
In the end right before she moved to the other side of the country she begged for at least 15mk. As a trustworthy and clever person I am, I gallantly stole the 15mk from my parents and paid her the debt fully. I was satisfied, she was not.
She later sent me a letter and wanted to keep contact as pen pals. I couldn't keep a person that had so much evidence about my criminal past in my life so I never answered her.
And that is why I don't like anyone offering me stuff or loans.
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Thursday 11/8/12 - Ellie Von Bun
I have had a few customer service jobs in my days. One was in a flea market back home and another at a ski resort, so there has been a variety of customers between the ones that has just crawled out of their caves to the rich and proud.
Actually, I'm not very customer oriented, which isn't a big surprise as I am socially awkward, but I've always tried my best and remained positive.
Few cases however has been hard to forget, that has left me laughing or boil with rage.
At the flea market you rented your booth, printed price tags and attached them to your stuff and brought them up and put them up. This is the common custom, and we were happy to sell very cheaply the prints of the price tags as not everybody has a printer.
But there was this obnoxious regular woman who was actually a friend of my boss. She always wobbled in like she owned the place and spread her clothes on the counter.
"Hey girl, come and bring me few of those price tags with ya"
I braced myself and put on my artificial smile and submitted under her bossing.
"Now I say the price, you write it down and put it on the clothes, is that clear?"
So I did what she wanted while calling me "girl" and sometimes making remarks as "Is it hard to understand?" "You know what you're doing right?" "That wasn't so hard, was it?"
It hurt my cheeks to smile like an idiot, but that role was easier to bear. Actually I'm quite sure she thought I was slightly retarded as I never said anything, only smiled with murdering eyes. I couldn't charge from her about the price tags nor the pins that was used for the price tags that normally cost something.
"I know the owner, don't you know who I am, I've never had to pay from these!"
And every single time she left, she would leave her rags on the counter.
"You know which one is my booth, right? It's (pronouncing very slowly and clearly) that, one, over, the, back", pointing to the right way looking at me like I'm the stupidest person she ever met.
"You can take these clothes there, after all, it's your job and you don't have anything better to do. I know the owner and I'm in a hurry!"
And why didn't I say anything? Because if I had opened my mouth she would have died from the killer lasers that would have come out of from sheer rage!
Another weird encounter happened on my second day. We had few anti-theft alarms that customers could buy for their stuff, for example this sticker type that would deactivate once placed on the counter. The whole time I was working there (5 months) I had to remove only couple of these so it wasn't the first thing I checked from the products.
I was especially happy and perky when this older woman with the most weird purchases came up to checkout. She had a small plastic doll which had no clothes and almost all the paint had come off from it's face, a small plastic boat that probably was made for a beach toy with a shovel, and lastly an oldish looking plate with small cracks.
I rang her up and she paid the total and was about to leave.
To my utter horror as she was leaving, the anti-theft alarm started to shout and I realized that the plate must have that stupid sticker and the counter didn't deactivated it.
As I apologized and explained this, she only looked at me with this terrified look that I must be the devil herself.
Ho behold, I was right and I happily asked her to hand me the plate so I could deactivate the alarm, while apologizing again that it was my mistake. She started to mumble that how she NEVER could have stole anything and how she is utterly humiliated and that I am incompetent fool that should get fired and that I owe something for her treating her this way.
Now it was my turn to get confused, I ripped the sticker away while explaining that it was my second day at a new job and I didn't remember to keep an eye for the stickers, especially as they should deactivate themselves.
But it was too late, the woman had gone to her bad place and decided to stood next to the counter yelling stuff, ignoring my apologies and explanations. I simply gave her the plate back, bid farewells and good days while she yelled at me how she was never coming back to our shop (which was fine by me).
And as she refused to leave for a while, all the next customers had to hear her ranting to me and for them while I ignored the crazy woman as best as I could.
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Wednesday 11/7/12 - Ellie Von Bun
If you're socially incomplete like me, relationships can be more difficult for you. I have the tendency to get too attached to a person, but mostly only when they're unavailable or hard to get (this action doesn't apply only to a male-female-relationships but to friendships also).
There is a fine line between being just enthusiastic, to being a crazy stalker bitch. I roughly violate this line by having spent years and years learning the fine arts of stalkerism.
All you need is a small amount of obsessions and an unbalanced personality and you can drive yourself and others to the edge of sanity.
Oh to be 13 again, when you could stalk all you like without being considered as a crazy bitch. Me and my friends used to have these insane plans how to work into a special someones knowledge.
1. Get his whole name.
2. Get his number using the name.
3. Call to him and hang up when he answers (of course keeping your number as unknown). Repeat. Repeat.
4. If he is at the same school, find out his class schedule and linger in front of these classrooms.
5. Find out where he hangs/works and go linger there.
Not mentioning the drooling over possible pictures (that you can take by taking a picture of your friend while your target is standing on the background), obsessing with/to your friends and planning your kids' names. Also we had a massive list of ALL the possible crushes and cute guys with secret codes. Then we could smoothly use the codes and nobody would understand what was going on. Something like this could happen at school on a break.
ME: "Oh my gosh, number 2 is over there!"
FRIEND1: "What? Where? No that's not number 2, thats 02!" (of course we used numbers and when we ran out of easily remembered ones, the list started again with 0 in the beginning)
FRIEND2: "Huh, I don't like him very muOMIGOD THERE'S 11!"
ME: "WHERE? Oh wait, who is 11? I thought 10 was the last one?"
FRIEND1: "No, we added him yesterday because Meredith saw him two nights ago with 6 and he looked good"
Super cute, right?
Sadly, there was always the idea to actually text to him (whoever "he" was at the time), but I didn't have the courage to do that so I preferred the original stalkering and drooling.
Now that I'm older, I have to control my stalkerism as much as I can. Believe me, this is no easy task. Once set loose it haunts you forever.
End of a relationship can be extremely difficult for this type of person, especially if the decision is not mutual. Here are great tips to do and not to do for preventing morphing into a overly attached ex-girlfriend!
1. DESTROY THE EVIDENCE! (at least hide everything)
2. Remove him from phone and Facebook. (obviously!)
3. Buy a teddy bear (any cuddly toy will do).
4. Buy a vibrator (or Fifty shades of grey or any other girl-porn).
5. Actually, even if you're not single, buy the damn thing.
6. Don't use your friends as sleeping toys nor sex toys!
7. Don't start a rebound relationship whining "I just want a steady thing with someone who likes me", you'll end up hurting everyone.
8. Talk to your friends. It's okay. Just don't get too Carrie Bradshaw-y. She's a bitch.
9. Even better, talk to your therapist or get one!
10. Have time to yourself, but for the love you bear for anyone near you, DO NOT obsess. Get it out of your system, but don't get Carried away (see what I did there?).
11. Repay the kindness of others. They were there for you, respect and love them.
12. Get drunk. Have fun. Dance. Sing. Play.
Of course, none of this won't help in the long run. Only time will take away the fact that you no longer have that special someone. But there will be plenty of other victims to obsess to! You're ready when you naturally have a new offering for your stalkerism.
And this little buddy always helps.
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Tuesday 11/6/12 - Ellie Von Bun
Most reactions I get when I tell I'm medicated with antidepressants aren't too positive.
"Those just mess up your head!"
"They kill your feelings, of course you're not depressed because you're EMPTY INSIDE!"
"You don't need them."
"..Oh well, if they help you.."
And so on.
I'm not the biggest support of strong medications either (wait till I get to the time when I was on the pill, yeah, The Pill), but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Antidepressants have different brands that use different agents and of course they work differently on every people. Some has horrible side effects on some people, some work like a charm or not at all. But the main purpose is to get the scumbag brain to buck up and act like it should.
I've tried only two brands and am content right now. And for starters, I gotta say that they DEFINITELY don't take your feelings away. It's more like brain is finally waking up and suddenly all the feelings are coming at you at the same time. Remember that beautiful moment five years ago and you felt nothing? TIME TO FEEL IT, DOUCHE!
The first brand wasn't for me. Some said that it made me chirpier, but I'm not so sure myself. I got horrible side effects that I tried to ignore as best as I could, but it came impossible when my relationship ended and those side effects got to roam with their horrible power. After couple weeks of panic and anxiety attacks and few days spent at home on a sick leave, unable to leave the house I admitted that my reaction to break up had reached ridiculous dimensions.
Everything got much easier after the change of the brand and I could feel the relief from head to toes. My brain and my personality thanked me greatly and I bet my friends now like me more.
Of course these too have their side effects. I'm not sure is it the medication or my reaction to ALL THESE FEELINGS, but I have absolutely no self censor and filter in my mouth. I can tell my life story to a stranger or way too intimate stuff to a random friend. And I'm not sure if this even bothers me. I just couldn't care less, I'm just happy I'm happy. And my friends SHOULD be content that I actually am acting a tad more I always should, unless they are overwhelmed by the stuff my mouth products.
This could also be because my super awesome therapist is a match made in heaven. I think it's all the things combined.
So don't be judging me for feeling better. Of course I will stop eating antidepressants when the time is right and after that my brain won't be such a sissy pants anymore. At least I'm hoping so.
I'm not also superhappy all the time, nor manic-depressive. Just comparing to what I used to be and feel, this is like a vacation in Hawaii with elephants and balloons.
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Monday 11/5/12 - Ellie Von Bun
The first problem I encounter in blogging is my inability to start anything that doesn't include mindless drooling and jamming by the computer or TV. Even if the activity would be awesome and fun to do, for example reading, playing with my lonely cello or preparing delicious meal.
In my mind there is a huge wall that I need to climb over in the project of starting things. The more unpleasant things to do, the higher the wall. As a sloppy garbage hoarder, I tend to let my room achieve a state that no bum would want to live in. When I was a teenager and it was time to clean the mess up, I had these terrible tantrums that ended me screaming to a dirty carpet that it isn't clean enough.
I don't think my family actually ever heard me but it wasn't pretty. I got so frustrated when I knew I can't make it as clean as I would want. So why bother?
And still, I do the same. I have to force and kick myself into doing stuff, but the first climbing part is so infuriating and exhausting that it's actually hard to comprehend.
There's many reasons besides just being a lazy maggot why it feels physically painful to start things, and one thing is being a perfectionist in wrong places and times.
If I can't write unbelievably awesome post so funny that everyone would not only pee their pants, also sink into psychosis of my cleverness, why should I?
Most likely after this post I will go into shivering state where my lungs will try to escape my body to better lands, and not entirely because of the second-day-hungover I'm having. My insecure self is too much for my wobbly mind and body to handle.
Sometimes you just have to make your life a bit harder for no reason at all!
It's no easy task trying to keep your cool when your mind is going berserk of things in verge of explosion while your body can't even keep eyes focused.
This post is provided by a house warming party that has most likely permanently left my mind into a blurry mess!
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Thursday 11/1/12 - Ellie Von Bun
This post exists for no sensible reason and stands for nothing. I pondered what to write about and had a wonderful amount of topics to rattle, but in the end felt stupid about all of them.
Because it's too early. I can't tell about anything interesting, funny or personal right in the beginning, can I? This post is like a filler bunny from the last post. It needs to exist but makes no sense whatsoever.
The same purpose goes to those filler posts that most likely will made their way in the future to this blog.
"Oh hi, remember me? I don't have anything smart to say but I'm here, look at me!"
Yeah, filler bunny is an attention whore alright.
I might as well make a walk by the remember lane about my last blogs. I think there were two of them, one way too personal and private and other boring with no purpose. Both I wrote in Finnish and it annoyed me that I didn't have any readers (Whoa, I guess filler bunny isn't alone!).
It's hard to keep something time consuming like a blog alive when you have attention span of a squirrel.
As it is already made somewhat clear, I really don't know yet the topic to write about. This isn't any fashion blog, I'm not a taxi driver and I'm not pregnant. But hell yeah, I try to be funny. Try as in I'm not sure if I am, but sure as hell want to be!
I'm also a bit ashamed that I ended up using WordPress. I tried to erase everything that reminds of it and used my own layout and planning, even though WP fought back like a raccoon that was forced in a tennis ball tube. But once you get the little bastard in, it sure works like a charm. Whatever you would like to do with a tennis ball tube filled with a raging raccoon.
Funny, I've worked with this layout for a long time and I'm still not satisfied. I can't look at it objectively and definitely don't want to change anything major anymore. Now I see one pixel wrong and my head explodes. Perfectionist.. Is.. Not.. Satisfied! How in the earth this piece could work as a portfolio?
Maybe I'll add a picture of a crumbled piece of paper and it serves as a link to the work I've made. As for saying "Yeah, I knew you would try to click this and my work is indeed trashy". Well, trashy in this scenario means literally trashlike.
And the best part of this site in my opinion is...
There's no comment option! Hoorray!
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Tuesday 10/30/12 - Ellie Von Bun
Firsts are always supposed to be exciting and happy events. The first day at school, the first kiss, the first love, the first time you live by yourself. This is one of my firsts and, as always, I have mixed feelings and a lot to worry. Will I fail or will I make everything just right? It's a shame I can't predict the future, but time will tell us how things will turn out to be.
Sometimes no matter how carefully you plan everything, things won't go the way you wanted. I had my first real kiss (not counting those truth or dare -games from earlier childhood) when I was about 15. It was a beautiful late summer night with a full moon. Me and my almost-boyfriend were at my parents summer cottage and he was leaving and I was going to stay for the night. So there we stood in the moonlight in the middle of the night, grass soft and wet under our feet, trees and small clouds making shadows in the yard.
My heart was beating so fast and I was panicking. Here we were, on the moment of a very big first! The scene was so overly-top romantic (just way too cliché) that it made me nervous and sick. At least I would have stories to tell to friends and children!
And then we kissed.
And I hated it.
My extremely high expectations were crushed by a pair of (literally) mouthcrushing teeth and saliva, which made me gag.
I desperately thought that the fault was my own, it would get better and I would get used to it (I later learned that even though I may have not been the worlds greatest kisser, the fault that time actually was the boy's). But the memory of my first kiss was forever fixed with a boy that I think actually instead of kissing me tried to eat pieces of my face. It hurt so bad that for a long time I preferred hugging instead of kissing.
For some reason, we didn't end up together and I felt a bit sorry for the girls he dated.
This website is a different kind of first. It can't be spoiled by unskilled actions by others, except myself. And I'm loving it!
Welcome to Raisin bun's (that'll be me) project, and to it's blog "How to catch an elephant"! Why that name, well, elephants are awesome and I'm obsessed with them.
My plan is to blog about things in my life, and develop this website to interesting and portfolio-y state. This is also my stepping stone to a better life. I have recently diagnosed with depression and have decided to become awesome instead. This will most likely show in many ways. Why I'm telling this? I just want the cat out of the bag so later on I can be more open and perhaps I don't see a reason to censor myself more than is need to be. Depression is a topic that for some reason stays shameful and unspeakable so I want to stop hiding it and be myself, and most importantly to get better.
Hi, my name is Jutta and I have a therapist. He's awesome!
What to do next? I have few ideas that I'll start to do with this website to make it prettier and better, but I will take my time so don't expect anything soon. :) I have MILLIONS of topics to talk about so I'll be coming back with them, one by one.
Until next time!
P.S. Here is the love of my life
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Monday 10/29/12 - Ellie Von Bun
Ho, behold, it's time for champagne and balloons! From the wise words that has passed for many years, I quote to you with all my heart, 'Hello world'!
As you can see, today I have launched my website, which now includes nothing more than a blog. Hopefully it will grow and bloom, but now I am insanely happy that we are currently on this state.
This is only a sneak-peek, later I will tell more about me and why I'm here, with pictures and everything. Until then, I hereby move back fixing bugs and checking things.
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