Saturday 12/22/12 - Ellie Von Bun
I'm sometimes fairly sure I have some sort of AD(H)D. My concentration is as poor as it gets and I constantly jump from one thing to another. If someone is talking to me and I find the subject not interesting enough, I simply shut my ears. Of course a lot of people do this in some form, but it's ridiculous with me and I hate not giving attention to my friends.
But holy smokes what happens when I find something interesting to obsess about.
In some way I love the thumping my heart does and how my brain goes to override, but it can be painful and bad for me also. I take being interested in something to fairly unhealthy level.
First of all, I couldn't care less about anything else. Schoolwork? Never. Friends? Only forced. Boyfriend? I just realized why I'm single.
Not kidding, I actually arrange time from my friends and everything so I can spend some time with my obsession.
When I first started to watch Doctor Who, I actually left from a bar early so I could go home and watch the show.
While I read Harry Potter, I add in a character which I created so I could have someone to relate more and live in the magical world.
Ever since I started reading Jane Austen books I have been hoping to fall into a coma for a year or two so I could magically dive to early 1800's and live in England.
And it's not only books, movies or things, but actually people too. Yeah, give crazy stalker bitch a minute and she will obsess her brains out of you.
The problem is, it's hard for other people sometimes to cope with me. I have to fight all my time against my obsessing, but on the other hand, if I don't have any, I get bored and in the end depressed. None of the opposite sides are quite right.
Also I don't want to suppress myself so fuck off. If I want to sound like a squirrel, the hell you or I can do anything about it.
I was madly in love when I was 15. I had an unhealthy relationship with a band called Mew. My poor friends had to listen to the wrecked band if they wanted to spend time with me. This lasted for about two years.
For two looong years, it was the only freaking band I listened. Only. All the time. I gave into my brains to go berserk about that and I can surely say, it was fairly weird times.
The peak of that time came when Mew came to Finland. I was 16 and decided to visit Helsinki to see them and couple of my friends decided to come with me.
My friend said that we should order the tickets online rather than standing outside in -20C degrees for a few hours. I agreed on that and one morning we went to her moms work to use her computer and wait for clock to strike and buy the tickets.
And to my luck, when the clock was 9.00, we noticed that we needed to register to the website.
And after those few minutes all the tickets were sold.
I seriously thought I would hit or strangle my friend for her stupid idea that now ruined my life, but I forgave her when came news of a another gig due to overwhelming popularity.
I decided to wait the hours in the cold for the tickets.
And up we went with the tickets to Helsinki when the time was ripe.
We had heard rumors about the band giving autographs, but as there wasn't any news anywhere about it, I forgot about it.
My heart almost exploded when we found out that the rumor was true and we had the chance to get the autographs from a mall we were at!
The whole time waiting in the line I shook like I was having some sort of a seizure. I was worried that I might actually faint and tried to think something witty to say.
My time came up and the only thing I could blur out was shaky, sqeaky "hi" that was barely audible.
And right after I got out of the line I burst into a manic laughter while crying my eyes out.
My friends rushed me quickly outside to somewhere I could sit while I screamed like some snapped mental patient.
All that excitement burst like a bubble and I was a wreck. I laughed and cried at the same time while my friends desperately tried to calm me down.
After some embarrasing moments it was time to rush to the concert place so we could actually get nice seats. And it was all good until the time the final door to the concert hall opened.
I was almost in front of that line and pushed other freaks out of my way, ignored a security guy trying to back us off, ducked his hand and ran like a deer.
Too bad my deer impression reminded too much of Bambi's mom and my feet gave out and I fell.
Nope, I did not trip, my legs just went under me.
But the run was not over if I wanted to the front row.
So I gathered my shit and jumped up while some security guy screamed something after me which I ignored again. I have distinct memory it being something near "Carefully!" and "Do not run!".
The second I got my speed covered, I fell again.
I almost crawled the rest, but besides all my failing I got to the front row. The security guy apparently managed to hold people behind me enough time for me to get a heads up.
I turned around and realized I had left my friends behind and lost them.
But there was no way I was going to give my awesome spot up so the hell with them.
I spent the whole concert by myself, sometimes "accidentally" hitting person next to me who tried to swoop in front of me. I think I also jumped on top of another girls feet for the same reason.
Cause no one's gonna fuck with me, that's why. Ain't no one.
So I got my creepy fangirl-96 moments and found my friends afterwards. And for the rest of the year it was probably the only thing I ever spoke about.
Too bad for Jonas Bjerre, I have decided not to forcemarry him anymore. Or was it lucky for him...
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Thursday 11/15/12 - Ellie Von Bun
I'm those kind of people who cry at the end of a sad movie. Holy smokes how awkward things can be when you cry like a little baby, sobbing with puffy eyes, face wet and red, when you are not comfortable crying in front of anyone, ever.
I register a lot of things around me, even though I don't realize it. At least I don't show it enough, and from time to time I have to go through those annoying conversations.
Somebody: "This is such a big thing, really really huge, oh my you'll be surprised!"
And then somebody tells me that something "exciting that'll blow your mind".
Me: "Oh yeah that, yeaah, I already kinda knew that.."
And then I have to spend the next hour explaining that I haven't really spied on anyone, I just listened and noticed peoples behavior.
While I do know things about people around me, I don't emphasize enough with them to annoy many (girl best friends, boyfriends). I still can give a good advice while not following them myself. Do what I say, not what I do. If I want to make my mistakes, let me. I am aware of them.
When it comes to fictional stuff, my mind goes stupid and emphasizes the crap out of everything. My mind actually believes it's in Hogwarts or Tamriel, killing zombies in apocalypse, you name it. Then all my registering is mirrored in my dreams and takes me to the edge of sanity. Although awesome, my dreams are sometimes messed up and exhausting and can decide how my head works the next day.
I do wish I could paint or draw, as I'll never be able to explain exactly what I've seen and experienced nightly. It's something completely insane and wonderful and I love it.
It's no surprise that I'm unable to watch horror movies with a mind like this. My imagination fills the pieces I haven't watch and relives all the moments from the movies I've seen and sometimes it's hard to handle.
A very low moment of my life happened when I was 15 and had spent few years trying to get over my fears. I had just learned to walk stairs calmly after closing the lights at home without a fear that somebody was behind me trying to murder me. When I was walking alone in the dark, I didn't have to run because the ghost face from Scream would be running behind me. I was insanely scared of ghost face (never seen the movies) and when I was asleep, I had to cover my neck in case of vampires.
I was happy as my confidence was growing and I could actually spend a night alone at our summer cottage without any symptoms of feardom.
Sadly, my joy and happiness was about to be destroyed by my friends.
I had a group of girlfriends, as a normal teenager, and experienced a heavy load of social pressures and psychological battles. The most severe one was when it was the groups Queen Bees sidekicks birthday and the two of them wanted to see a movie.
We agreed on the plans to have a dinner and then see the movie at our local cinema, and as it was Monday and a school night, then go home. Few days before the day, I realized the movie we were planning to see was actually a Japanese based horror movie called The Grudge. I said no to that.
It was painful, two of my friends weren't fans of horror films either and would have been okay with a different movie. But no. For the two leaders of our group, it was the only movie they wanted to see. It was that movie or no movie.
Then I proposed a plan that I come to the dinner and hang with them until the movie starts and then leave for home. Apparently it wouldn't be fun if everyone wasn't there so that was no option either. Well, how about if we would just have the dinner then? Oh, but now the day would be ruined and would be the best that we didn't do anything at all.
After a time of fighting, it came to that it was either me watching the god damn movie, or my friend wouldn't celebrate her birthday at all.
And to the movie we went!
I screamed only twice the whole time, due to the fact that I kept my eyes closed at least for half of the movie. At some point I even had my hands on my ears so I wouldn't have to listen to it. My eyelids couldn't stay closed as they were shaking so bad. And yet I was too embarrassed to leave in the middle of the film. I wish I would have.
And of course my stupid brain was curious to peek at some parts I didn't want to see, and added all the missing parts when I kept my eyes closed.
Next day at school I met my well-rested friends who hadn't any problems in the world. I on the other hand looked like if somebody had punched both my eyes.
No surprises here, but I ensured some awkward laughter as I hadn't slept all night.
I finally fell asleep of exhaustion the next night, somewhere around 4am while having lights and music on. The whole week I had my personal nights of the living dead, couldn't handle being alone and felt that my life wasn't living for.
A looot of time later I finally catch on sleeping, but my previous success in confidence and not being afraid all the time was shattered. I woke up every night to nightmares about creepy dead girls, dark attics and buildings in the middle of forests. All the other horrors came back and haunted my nights.
For the next half a year I had to bring a radio to shower with me, so that I would have my mind occupied from hearing wet footsteps around me. Next couple years I spent never closing both my eyes while washing myself. It's not funny when you have shampoo in your eye when you try to wash half your face at a time.
I liked to doodle my books and notes to an unrecognizable state, and I sometimes draw the eye of the Grudge girl and was scared of the ugly drawing.
In the end the nightmares started to let go and my nights became bearable. Of course I still have a lot of nightmares, they're just not trying to give me a heart attack at the same volume.
If there's a one good thing about the whole ordeal, it's that I got quickly over my teenagers whining about not wanting to go to the sauna with my mother. After that I begged my mom to go with me as I was too scared to go alone. And then I had somebody to cover my back and could actually close my eyes while washing hair and face!
I hope my friends learned at least some kind of lesson seeing my life crumbling in front of their eyes and having to witness the cause of their behavior in me.
I've had a lot of work with my insecurities and fears, but I'm still bitter about that small little event that caused so much trouble in my fragile mind. Actually those people aren't my friends anymore, we grew apart really quickly after going to upper secondary school soon after.
And oh, it is such a shame.
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Sunday 11/11/12 - Ellie Von Bun
I can't stand loans. I don't want to owe anything to my friends and I hate having a student loan. I'm also really skeptic when someone offers me something, presumably free.
Why I am such a sissy pants when it comes to friends and loans goes back to the time when in Finland instead of euros we had marks. I'd say that one euro is approx 6 marks, so 20 euros is close to 120 marks and so on. Of course nowadays 20e is not that big a deal, but back then, 100mk was a whole lot of whopping money (especially for a kid).
I was about 10 years old and I had an awesome friend, Mary. I didn't have a lot of money, I got 5mk a week or less and it went straight to paying back candy money I've loaned from my friends.
Now don't judge me, I was young and I absolutely loved sweets and goodies! So after school when my friends and I went to a candy shop nearby, how could I just stand and watch my friends buying and eating all the sweets and have nothing for myself? My friends always gave me like 10mk to buy for myself even though I said I didn't get more than the 5mk once a week.
I was always horribly in debt to my friends and overly stressed in my young candy loving mind.
Actually I was also in debt to my sisters all the time. My friends said that I never did have money because we bought a lot of games with my siblings, which isn't entirely untrue. I just "paid" by growing my loans, therefore not having any money to the other piles of money I already didn't have. I never understood where my friends got their money, as they always had it and I never did.
One day I promised to accompany my friend Mary as she wanted to go to a shopping-spree. Her mom had gave her 300mk and said that she could use it as she wanted, as long as she'd get the things she was in need for.
That horrible day which would forever haunt my little mind, Mary had a lot of little things she needed and we went to a few shops to get her stuff you don't actually need. We were all over the place and found all kinds of beautiful crap, everything from picture frames to baskets shaped like a duck.
I was a bit sad as I couldn't buy that crap for myself so Mary told me that it wasn't a big deal, she could pay for me. My little mind went static and I asked her over and over again that did she really mean that, as it's her money and I could never just use her money like that. She said "Don't you worry, I can pay for your purchases too. I have money and you don't so I should pay!".
With a new exciting twist we went completely berserk and just crabbed all kinds of stupid stuff (stupider than a duck basket) and yes, she paid it all.
Later when I went home, my parents worriedly wondered about the crap I had with me and I explained happily that we had just shopped a bit with Mary. Naturally they asked about with what money I had actually paid everything and I assured that Mary insisted on paying, so everything was okay.
After a loooong conversation my parents accepted that and resumed their life when I was about to ruin my own.
Next day at school I met Mary and we had a laugh how stupid we were yesterday and that we indeed spent a lot of money. Her next words sent me straight to my better place in my head.
Mary: "Haha, yeah, I know, quite crazy. Anyway, I calculated our purchases and you owe me 120mk."
Honestly I thought she was kidding and replied "Oh wow, that's a lot of money!" with a sudden fear creeping in my heart.
Mary: "Yeah, it is, but don't worry, you don't have to pay me immediately, just whenever you can!"
Then I realized she was dead serious and I had screwed up a big time. Time stopped moving, my heart skipped a beat and I was on a verge of sinking into a psychosis of my own misery.
After what felt like an hour the time resumed moving and I got a grip of myself and managed to act like I was going to pay really soon and she hadn't anything to worry.
It was amazing how I could function at all with that amount of stress my young life had to go through. I calculated very carefully how many weeks I'd have to save from my weekly pocket money which I may or may not have to gather the whole 120mk. Not only that, but all the others were expecting their money also, but it wasn't anything compared to the current screw up.
My little mind realized that I would have to save for the next 5 to 6 months just to pay back for Mary. So I ended up losing my sleep and my waking hours was used to figuring out a solution for my problem and stressing over how I was probably going to die.
Any smart kid would have gone to their parents and told them the whole story, but I was a different sort of kid. Even then I preferred solving my own problems and not telling anybody anything too big about my life. So I told no one, not my parents, nor siblings nor any friend. I was a mess, but I had decided to make it through.
Of course I failed the saving process the very next week, again to candy and other debt which payment someone was expecting.
Then again, who 10-year-old have the self-discipline to save all the money they got for half a year anyway, especially a little unpredictable squirrel like myself?
So my option about saving was out.
I had only one reasonable solution.
I denied it all.
For the next year or so Mary kept constantly asking for her money back and I always had the same answer, that I didn't have any at the moment. I eased my guilt with the fact that it in theory was true.
After a few months she dropped the debt to even 100mk and I was relieved. Mary started to get annoyed by my actions and our friendship started to lose it's shiny edge.
After over half a year she said that 50mk would do just fine and I really decided to pay her that. Mary started to get desperate as her mom had indeed got mad for spending all that money on a one trip for stupid crap.
In the end right before she moved to the other side of the country she begged for at least 15mk. As a trustworthy and clever person I am, I gallantly stole the 15mk from my parents and paid her the debt fully. I was satisfied, she was not.
She later sent me a letter and wanted to keep contact as pen pals. I couldn't keep a person that had so much evidence about my criminal past in my life so I never answered her.
And that is why I don't like anyone offering me stuff or loans.
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Thursday 11/8/12 - Ellie Von Bun
I have had a few customer service jobs in my days. One was in a flea market back home and another at a ski resort, so there has been a variety of customers between the ones that has just crawled out of their caves to the rich and proud.
Actually, I'm not very customer oriented, which isn't a big surprise as I am socially awkward, but I've always tried my best and remained positive.
Few cases however has been hard to forget, that has left me laughing or boil with rage.
At the flea market you rented your booth, printed price tags and attached them to your stuff and brought them up and put them up. This is the common custom, and we were happy to sell very cheaply the prints of the price tags as not everybody has a printer.
But there was this obnoxious regular woman who was actually a friend of my boss. She always wobbled in like she owned the place and spread her clothes on the counter.
"Hey girl, come and bring me few of those price tags with ya"
I braced myself and put on my artificial smile and submitted under her bossing.
"Now I say the price, you write it down and put it on the clothes, is that clear?"
So I did what she wanted while calling me "girl" and sometimes making remarks as "Is it hard to understand?" "You know what you're doing right?" "That wasn't so hard, was it?"
It hurt my cheeks to smile like an idiot, but that role was easier to bear. Actually I'm quite sure she thought I was slightly retarded as I never said anything, only smiled with murdering eyes. I couldn't charge from her about the price tags nor the pins that was used for the price tags that normally cost something.
"I know the owner, don't you know who I am, I've never had to pay from these!"
And every single time she left, she would leave her rags on the counter.
"You know which one is my booth, right? It's (pronouncing very slowly and clearly) that, one, over, the, back", pointing to the right way looking at me like I'm the stupidest person she ever met.
"You can take these clothes there, after all, it's your job and you don't have anything better to do. I know the owner and I'm in a hurry!"
And why didn't I say anything? Because if I had opened my mouth she would have died from the killer lasers that would have come out of from sheer rage!
Another weird encounter happened on my second day. We had few anti-theft alarms that customers could buy for their stuff, for example this sticker type that would deactivate once placed on the counter. The whole time I was working there (5 months) I had to remove only couple of these so it wasn't the first thing I checked from the products.
I was especially happy and perky when this older woman with the most weird purchases came up to checkout. She had a small plastic doll which had no clothes and almost all the paint had come off from it's face, a small plastic boat that probably was made for a beach toy with a shovel, and lastly an oldish looking plate with small cracks.
I rang her up and she paid the total and was about to leave.
To my utter horror as she was leaving, the anti-theft alarm started to shout and I realized that the plate must have that stupid sticker and the counter didn't deactivated it.
As I apologized and explained this, she only looked at me with this terrified look that I must be the devil herself.
Ho behold, I was right and I happily asked her to hand me the plate so I could deactivate the alarm, while apologizing again that it was my mistake. She started to mumble that how she NEVER could have stole anything and how she is utterly humiliated and that I am incompetent fool that should get fired and that I owe something for her treating her this way.
Now it was my turn to get confused, I ripped the sticker away while explaining that it was my second day at a new job and I didn't remember to keep an eye for the stickers, especially as they should deactivate themselves.
But it was too late, the woman had gone to her bad place and decided to stood next to the counter yelling stuff, ignoring my apologies and explanations. I simply gave her the plate back, bid farewells and good days while she yelled at me how she was never coming back to our shop (which was fine by me).
And as she refused to leave for a while, all the next customers had to hear her ranting to me and for them while I ignored the crazy woman as best as I could.
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Wednesday 11/7/12 - Ellie Von Bun
If you're socially incomplete like me, relationships can be more difficult for you. I have the tendency to get too attached to a person, but mostly only when they're unavailable or hard to get (this action doesn't apply only to a male-female-relationships but to friendships also).
There is a fine line between being just enthusiastic, to being a crazy stalker bitch. I roughly violate this line by having spent years and years learning the fine arts of stalkerism.
All you need is a small amount of obsessions and an unbalanced personality and you can drive yourself and others to the edge of sanity.
Oh to be 13 again, when you could stalk all you like without being considered as a crazy bitch. Me and my friends used to have these insane plans how to work into a special someones knowledge.
1. Get his whole name.
2. Get his number using the name.
3. Call to him and hang up when he answers (of course keeping your number as unknown). Repeat. Repeat.
4. If he is at the same school, find out his class schedule and linger in front of these classrooms.
5. Find out where he hangs/works and go linger there.
Not mentioning the drooling over possible pictures (that you can take by taking a picture of your friend while your target is standing on the background), obsessing with/to your friends and planning your kids' names. Also we had a massive list of ALL the possible crushes and cute guys with secret codes. Then we could smoothly use the codes and nobody would understand what was going on. Something like this could happen at school on a break.
ME: "Oh my gosh, number 2 is over there!"
FRIEND1: "What? Where? No that's not number 2, thats 02!" (of course we used numbers and when we ran out of easily remembered ones, the list started again with 0 in the beginning)
FRIEND2: "Huh, I don't like him very muOMIGOD THERE'S 11!"
ME: "WHERE? Oh wait, who is 11? I thought 10 was the last one?"
FRIEND1: "No, we added him yesterday because Meredith saw him two nights ago with 6 and he looked good"
Super cute, right?
Sadly, there was always the idea to actually text to him (whoever "he" was at the time), but I didn't have the courage to do that so I preferred the original stalkering and drooling.
Now that I'm older, I have to control my stalkerism as much as I can. Believe me, this is no easy task. Once set loose it haunts you forever.
End of a relationship can be extremely difficult for this type of person, especially if the decision is not mutual. Here are great tips to do and not to do for preventing morphing into a overly attached ex-girlfriend!
1. DESTROY THE EVIDENCE! (at least hide everything)
2. Remove him from phone and Facebook. (obviously!)
3. Buy a teddy bear (any cuddly toy will do).
4. Buy a vibrator (or Fifty shades of grey or any other girl-porn).
5. Actually, even if you're not single, buy the damn thing.
6. Don't use your friends as sleeping toys nor sex toys!
7. Don't start a rebound relationship whining "I just want a steady thing with someone who likes me", you'll end up hurting everyone.
8. Talk to your friends. It's okay. Just don't get too Carrie Bradshaw-y. She's a bitch.
9. Even better, talk to your therapist or get one!
10. Have time to yourself, but for the love you bear for anyone near you, DO NOT obsess. Get it out of your system, but don't get Carried away (see what I did there?).
11. Repay the kindness of others. They were there for you, respect and love them.
12. Get drunk. Have fun. Dance. Sing. Play.
Of course, none of this won't help in the long run. Only time will take away the fact that you no longer have that special someone. But there will be plenty of other victims to obsess to! You're ready when you naturally have a new offering for your stalkerism.
And this little buddy always helps.
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