How to catch an elephant

The glory of being a woman Part 2

Tuesday 12/4/12 - Ellie Von Bun

I have to continue my previous rumble with a matter that makes me angry and frustrated.

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No woman should ever have to eat birth control pills.

Those little fuckers are made from all the ingredients that PMS's and pregnancies are. Want to end your relationship quick and painfully? Then every girl's favorite pals are perfect for you!

Why on earth we are forced to eat these death pills that can turn a sweet girl into a crazy stalker bitch?

Again, some say that they don't have side effects on them, but I don't believe those people actually exist. At least I'm definitely not one of those people. Those people either lie to justify their reasons for eating them or are dumb enough for not noticing the side effects.

But hey, it's the best birth control on the market, especially because they bring down every women's libido so down that there's no sex to protect in the begin with. 100% effective indeed!

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My personal favorite was the first brand I tried. Side effects kicked in the first days and they were unbelievable. Remember me being a PMS-monster from the last post? Well, the pill made me feel like I was on the worst days of my PMS all the time. All. The. Time.

I screamed to everybody and wanted to fight, I cried for no reason whatsoever and my stomach cramped just to annoy me.

I remember driving a car wondering how safe it must be for the passengers as I felt a need for a fetal position every few minutes. Yeah, constant cramps. Makes life a really happy place!

It also brought up my migraine on those "days of rest" when you don't eat the pill and you have your body go through periods. And as periods aren't painful enough to go through!

Definitely it wasn't one of my glorious moments when I was laying on my bathroom floor at 4 am, throwing up because the migraine was so sever, head feeling close to explosion, stomach in unbelievable pain and back and legs aching. And you can't eat any painkillers because you throw them up immediately.

Every month, 5 days straight of migraine, first and last of them being so bad that I kept throwing up.

And was it worth it?

Well I did pick fights with my sister, I almost started smoking as I found it to be the only thing that helped my wrecked nerves, my then-boyfriend almost lost his mind and my very favorite and the most embarrassing, screamed to my ex for a good evening for no reason. Nice touch, really.

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But hey, at least I wasn't getting pregnant!

I changed brands after three months (3 months of hell for me and everyone around me) and the next one did fit better for me. Except the migraine. And the libido part. And few other effects, like not feeling anything sometimes. But that's nothing.

Luckily after having tried few brands, I'm content not to try them anymore. Migraine can't handle it and it's okay for me.

I'm ready to rip out eyes from every man who tries to suggest to a woman to eat the pill. NO. They are not made for humans. Don't ask your woman to go through them.

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To be completely honest, I truly wish I could eat them. And from time to time I try them. The few positive effects that they are supposed to have fascinate me enough to keep on trying. But until this very day, I'm not satisfied.

Actually, if you look at the timeline of the effects, I'm going to a correct way. At first we started with a completely craziness and horrible pain and shit broke loose. After that we have slowly dropped down few of the side effects one by one.

I made a supercool diagram with paint for this occasion!

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So if I'm super lucky, after few tries, statistically speaking I could go side effect-free, right? Right?

I also cheated and made the diagram show me going actually to a likeable state. And for a reason too! I'm thinking if we combine my current state that is progressing all the time with the possibility that some pills might actually made my PMS easier, then this diagram as optimistic as it is, could be realistic in the end.

I'm 100 % sure that whenever I'm trying to get pregnant I'm found infertile. Then I can sit down and wonder how all the years struggling with the right birth control goes down the toilet. All that trouble and pain for nothing!

Sounds about my luck.

P.S. I'm still trying to find the best way for inserting pictures. Should I just take them of stuff that may or may not relate to the topic or dig some old ones? I don't know.

Right now I'm really really tired so I didn't have the energy to figure awesome pictures as NOTHING goes with this topic. Except maybe a hundreds pictures of screaming women.

Let's have a happy ending and leave this here!

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Leave a comment. Keywords: womanhood, periods, pms

The glory of being a woman Part 1

Saturday 11/24/12 - Ellie Von Bun

This won't be the prettiest text I've made and brace yourself if you're a dude.

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Sometimes I hate being a woman. I'd say statistically once per month I prefer calling myself Juuso (Finnish boys name) than Jutta. Of course I'm referring to the bloody mess called period.

There's millions of jokes about women turning into werewolves and we poor bastards can't do shit about it. There are those who survive with only a few cramps and chocolate bars and oh boy I envy those people.

I happen to be one of those unlucky bastards that Get It All. The whole package!

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I remember my first period. Of course you're expecting it to happen at some point and you talk about it with your friends. Holy smokes I couldn't understand one of my friends who wanted them to start so bad. I thought it would be the end of my childhood and who the hell wants to suffer monthly for a week of time for the next 40 years?

Sadly, in the glory age of 14 at a gym class, I had to gave in. Because I'm a bit slow and it's a whole new experience, it was quite a shock. Did I just shit my pants and not noticed doing so?

Thank god for black pants. Yeah, I said it. Too much information? But it's true! Ever seen those Japan flags also called white pants wearing unfortunate souls? You wish you hadn't.

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Finally I accepted my fate and braced my womanhood with bitter and embarrassing feelings. Suddenly playing basket ball wasn't so fun and I graved for the suffering to end and get home. My mom took the news better than me, probably just thinking "holy shit, my youngest kid is old enough to have babies" or something.

If I then would have known how my body would handle periods in the future, I most likely would had a mental breakdown right then and there at the gym class.

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Approximately two weeks before Code Red, I start feeling the effects of being a glorious woman. My mind decides that it's time to fuck everything up and turns me into a raging moodswinging monster.

I get highly depressed, I scream and cry for no reason and my gaming rage goes over the top. I can't explain exactly how my mind works then, but it sure is straight from your worst nightmares. And I swear, it gets worse and worse by the years.

A week before Code Red I start to get cramps and a few days in a full bodied pain all over my body. My legs and back aches and I start to swollen up. It's not too bad comparing what I'm about to embark, but it's no dance in rose pedals. It also causes needless panicking "oh shit, oh shit, it's almost time, any day now".

And when it's time, it's no fucking around.

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The pain is unbelievable. In 10 minutes from the start the pain is simply too much to bear. My hands shake and I'm feverish. I can't eat but I want to eat everything. The only thing that helps is massive amount of painkillers and that is how I survive the first two days. It's the peak of my personal hell that I dread to my very core.

My dream would be to spend those days at home, in my bed, covered with blankets and someone petting my head saying "there, there". Also bringing me food and goodies. But no, there's no other options but to get up and go to work/school and live normally.

My strategy surprisingly often is to get so drunk that I forget I'm in pain. Clever, huh?

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Guys have NO idea how horrible it can be and I swear, if I hear whining about how someone must have "that time of the month" or any other kind of jokes towards PMS-crazing monsters, I rip someones throat out. Oh the irony, eh?

But hey, only 30-40 years to go.. Yay me.

P.S. Next summer I shall look like I did in the picture above. LET'S START WEIGHT LOSS BLOGGING!

P.P.S. The one good thing about periods is knowing you're not pregnant!

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Leave a comment. Keywords: womanhood, periods, pms