How to catch an elephant

It's the Silence that keeps me away

Wednesday 6/12/13 - Ellie Von Bun


This is what's happening with my blog. When I look at it, I realize I should blog. After I look away, it's gone.

Oh well, let's make a little post what is up with me. I like me. I like to talk about me.

This post shall be dedicated to my friend who keeps on checking my blog daily and support me at my trifle.

Let's start with the first thing that actually is related to the starting of this blog.

I went to a doctor a week ago because I decided after a year to stop my medication. Why?

Well for the past months I've felt just brilliant. Absolutely content and satisfied with my life and not even unemployment and apartmentless haven't brought me down. Just regular stress, no biggies.

And I don't know why. Something happened with me after my illness. Maybe it was about how my body was emptied of everything and started again from a start. It could be it. Or maybe I realized that life is awesome and things could be worse.

As I couldn't even eat the medicine being sick, my brain went all "what's up with that, how I'm supposed to know how to work" and then started again from a start and went "oh, so THIS is serotonin, let's work this shit up then!".

So kids, when you suffer from depression, apparently the thing to do is to destroy your liver or something and give your body a phoenix-like rebirth. It works. Don't try it at home though.

So in a week or two, I'm dropping them off. But I have to give credit for the greatest doctor ever. As I am "young and beautiful" I should "go outside" because the weather is good and my personal favorite, "enjoy life."

I tried to explain my liver situation, but she decided by looking at my unyellow eyes that I'm healthy now and I should "forget about it, let it go. It's in the past.". So. Let's do just that then. I was sick. I am not anymore.

Let's hope for the best and see if I feel as brilliant or even more brilliant later!

Funny thing, I started yet again a project that I can later on leave unfinished.

I told my friend how I finally read Fifty Shades of Grey, which by the way, is extremely horrifying book and I don't recommend it to anyone. It's a slightly longer harlequin with exact same plot as all of them that is written by a woman who most likely is not happy with her relationships and wishes still for her prince charming to come and save her. And for some reason, she wrote her childish dreams badly on the paper and got rich.

It's a bad book. Twilight is classic literature in comparison. Don't read it.

Anyway, my friend mentioned that even us could write a better book than that piece of unrealistic crap. So that's what we're going to do. Write an extremely awesome, badly written piece of epicness and get filthy rich doing so.

I'm not giving all the things about it away. We are creating it via Google Drive (which is awesome) and it has sci-fi, romance, fantasy, history and all kinds of randomness in it. So it will be brilliant. Of course!

I'm excited about this. It's a stupid idea enough, but a fun project!

In other notes, still no job. It's frustrating and I hate being rejected all the time. Still, I'm hoping for the best and I can still pay my rent so I'll survive.

And to my absolute thrill, I got an awesome apartment. It's a student place, big one with a cheap rent on a very nice spot. I couldn't be happier. Something good sometimes really brings spirits up, eh?

I have no idea how to end this post so let's just go with something totally unrelated but proved to be a good way for ending random preaches.

Kids, don't do drugs.

Edit: While moving all the posts to new site I added the pic again. It wasn't a pic. It was a gif. And now I'm scared.

Leave a comment. Keywords: books, stress, depression

Scumbag brain needs to grow a pair

Tuesday 11/6/12 - Ellie Von Bun

Most reactions I get when I tell I'm medicated with antidepressants aren't too positive.

"Those just mess up your head!"

"They kill your feelings, of course you're not depressed because you're EMPTY INSIDE!"

"You don't need them."

"..Oh well, if they help you.."

And so on.

I'm not the biggest support of strong medications either (wait till I get to the time when I was on the pill, yeah, The Pill), but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Antidepressants have different brands that use different agents and of course they work differently on every people. Some has horrible side effects on some people, some work like a charm or not at all. But the main purpose is to get the scumbag brain to buck up and act like it should.


I've tried only two brands and am content right now. And for starters, I gotta say that they DEFINITELY don't take your feelings away. It's more like brain is finally waking up and suddenly all the feelings are coming at you at the same time. Remember that beautiful moment five years ago and you felt nothing? TIME TO FEEL IT, DOUCHE!


The first brand wasn't for me. Some said that it made me chirpier, but I'm not so sure myself. I got horrible side effects that I tried to ignore as best as I could, but it came impossible when my relationship ended and those side effects got to roam with their horrible power. After couple weeks of panic and anxiety attacks and few days spent at home on a sick leave, unable to leave the house I admitted that my reaction to break up had reached ridiculous dimensions.

Everything got much easier after the change of the brand and I could feel the relief from head to toes. My brain and my personality thanked me greatly and I bet my friends now like me more.

Of course these too have their side effects. I'm not sure is it the medication or my reaction to ALL THESE FEELINGS, but I have absolutely no self censor and filter in my mouth. I can tell my life story to a stranger or way too intimate stuff to a random friend. And I'm not sure if this even bothers me. I just couldn't care less, I'm just happy I'm happy. And my friends SHOULD be content that I actually am acting a tad more I always should, unless they are overwhelmed by the stuff my mouth products.


This could also be because my super awesome therapist is a match made in heaven. I think it's all the things combined.

So don't be judging me for feeling better. Of course I will stop eating antidepressants when the time is right and after that my brain won't be such a sissy pants anymore. At least I'm hoping so.

I'm not also superhappy all the time, nor manic-depressive. Just comparing to what I used to be and feel, this is like a vacation in Hawaii with elephants and balloons.


Leave a comment. Keywords: depression, medication, people