How to catch an elephant

Stalkers steps to survive a break-up

Wednesday 11/7/12 - Ellie Von Bun

If you're socially incomplete like me, relationships can be more difficult for you. I have the tendency to get too attached to a person, but mostly only when they're unavailable or hard to get (this action doesn't apply only to a male-female-relationships but to friendships also).

There is a fine line between being just enthusiastic, to being a crazy stalker bitch. I roughly violate this line by having spent years and years learning the fine arts of stalkerism.

All you need is a small amount of obsessions and an unbalanced personality and you can drive yourself and others to the edge of sanity.


Oh to be 13 again, when you could stalk all you like without being considered as a crazy bitch. Me and my friends used to have these insane plans how to work into a special someones knowledge.

1. Get his whole name.

2. Get his number using the name.

3. Call to him and hang up when he answers (of course keeping your number as unknown). Repeat. Repeat.

4. If he is at the same school, find out his class schedule and linger in front of these classrooms.

5. Find out where he hangs/works and go linger there.

Not mentioning the drooling over possible pictures (that you can take by taking a picture of your friend while your target is standing on the background), obsessing with/to your friends and planning your kids' names. Also we had a massive list of ALL the possible crushes and cute guys with secret codes. Then we could smoothly use the codes and nobody would understand what was going on. Something like this could happen at school on a break.

ME: "Oh my gosh, number 2 is over there!"

FRIEND1: "What? Where? No that's not number 2, thats 02!" (of course we used numbers and when we ran out of easily remembered ones, the list started again with 0 in the beginning)

FRIEND2: "Huh, I don't like him very muOMIGOD THERE'S 11!"

ME: "WHERE? Oh wait, who is 11? I thought 10 was the last one?"

FRIEND1: "No, we added him yesterday because Meredith saw him two nights ago with 6 and he looked good"

Super cute, right?

Sadly, there was always the idea to actually text to him (whoever "he" was at the time), but I didn't have the courage to do that so I preferred the original stalkering and drooling.

Now that I'm older, I have to control my stalkerism as much as I can. Believe me, this is no easy task. Once set loose it haunts you forever.

End of a relationship can be extremely difficult for this type of person, especially if the decision is not mutual. Here are great tips to do and not to do for preventing morphing into a overly attached ex-girlfriend!


1. DESTROY THE EVIDENCE! (at least hide everything)

2. Remove him from phone and Facebook. (obviously!)

3. Buy a teddy bear (any cuddly toy will do).

4. Buy a vibrator (or Fifty shades of grey or any other girl-porn).

5. Actually, even if you're not single, buy the damn thing.

6. Don't use your friends as sleeping toys nor sex toys!

7. Don't start a rebound relationship whining "I just want a steady thing with someone who likes me", you'll end up hurting everyone.

8. Talk to your friends. It's okay. Just don't get too Carrie Bradshaw-y. She's a bitch.

9. Even better, talk to your therapist or get one!

10. Have time to yourself, but for the love you bear for anyone near you, DO NOT obsess. Get it out of your system, but don't get Carried away (see what I did there?).

11. Repay the kindness of others. They were there for you, respect and love them.

12. Get drunk. Have fun. Dance. Sing. Play.

Of course, none of this won't help in the long run. Only time will take away the fact that you no longer have that special someone. But there will be plenty of other victims to obsess to! You're ready when you naturally have a new offering for your stalkerism.

And this little buddy always helps.


Leave a comment. Keywords: relationships, break-up, stalker, youth