How to catch an elephant

Million ways not to ask someone out

Wednesday 2/13/13 - Ellie Von Bun

Prologue

I solemny swear I've been good and busy (ha!) this time I've been away with no words. I have slowly pushed my way out of "No."s and starting to feel alive again. Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of midterms so I'm stressed out and really need to do studying.

Not to worry, I decided to reward all of you with this piece I wrote ages ago, only with no pictures. I may later if I have time and energy fix this with nicely photoshopped monsters.

But not today, I have to run to read some history instead of making it myself! Sigh.

 

The Story

I've had my share of weird guys wanting to get on with this piece of meat. It's world mocking me for being stalkerish myself. You get what you serve!

Not that there has been too many, but there's a few interesting cases that had made me wonder, do some people really think that is a way to impress someone? If the situation is a bit different, if the other one seems also interested, then that kind of behaviour might be okay and you may not come off as a crazy stalker.

When I was a young awkward teenager I met this boy through my friends. Now if you think I have relationship problems today, oh boy I was a mess back then, even in the scale of being awfully young. 17 years old (might also be 16 but I can't remember too well anymore)! It's too young for a relationship for me! In one way I was on a prey for wanting to experience the world, so I did gave this boy a chance to impress me.

At first he seemed fairly normal. When he decided to try to impress me, it went from bad to worse.

He started pulling his sleeves way up and making sure that I was able to see his arms. Why? Of course, he was a cutter and wanted me to see how life was hard on him.

Well, good for him, didn't really earn him any cool-guy-points although I did feel a bit sad for him. Still, the fact that you're pushing your scars on my face makes you kinda pathetic.

Later when the evening went on, he wanted me to accompany him while he smoked. And to tell me stories. Stories about his first love. While crying.

Telling me that you're still not over your ex doesn't make me think that you have a lot of feelings to share and make me jump into your bed, it only makes me want to run away from a mess.

Right after this he gave me his black book. No, not a book that has girls phone numbers, a black book of touchy-feely poems. And song lyrics.

Good for you if you write, it's fine and cool. Don't make me read them in front of you on the first day we meet. And force me to comment on them. There's so much I can nod and smile with the "Mmmm!" -noise.

You'd think at this point he would have dug his grave for deep enough and I'd have my share of that mess.

Sadly, no. I was young and I gave him more and more chances while trying to think did I have anything for him (oh the curse of being naive).

We had awkward parties (or a party, can't remember) where he wanted to talk to me but I ran away most of the night. Because, you know, I LOVE when someone carries (literally) me away from my friends to a room just to talk feelings with a guy I'm not sure if I like. Well, no, I just fought my way free and left.

And after this the worst happened. He left his girlfriend for me.

There's not much I can say about this.

Right now, this memory makes me speechless.

Soon after that I made him clear that I wasn't interested.

Should have done that way sooner, cheez.

I do have a lonely memory when he tried to explain that she wasn't his girlfriend as much as a girl he just hanged with? I don't know. Sounded like a relationship enough for me.

Another cool guy was a bit earlier, maybe a year or two. I saw him once. Literally, once. And I didn't talk to him. He was a friend of a friend and really didn't thought about him much, other than remembering he making out with a friend of mine some time ago.

And that was enough for him to start sending countless of text-messages through at least a year.

Sometimes I'm too nice for my own good. He tried to ask me out many times and I respectfully declined. First I was super nice about it. Then not so nice. Then completely rude. And he just kept going and going.

And I just had to answer.

Finally I couldn't take it and I just snapped at him that I'm not interested and to leave me alone. He's response? Go Shakespare about it. He acted like I would have actually broken his heart or something.

After that I just didn't answer anymore. He still sent me a lot of "I'm sorry, let's start from the start" -messages which I ignored. Really, why? What's wrong with you guys?

Finally he ran into a beautiful friend of mine and started to harass her. I was thrilled and finally free!

This story has it's final peak years after this on a New Year's eve. I was leaving a party early and called a friend to pick me up. I knew he was driving because earlier he said that he had promised to be a designated driver to a friend of his.

And oh boy I couldn't stop laughing when I realized that this friend was the awkward text message -guy. We made some awkward small talk in the car while I was laughing my ass off and my friend dropped me off. And I'm not that awful, I didn't laugh at him, I laughed to the situation.

Later my friend told me that the guy had told him that years back I had slept with him. And then my friend couldn't stop laughing. At him.

Unlucky for the awkward guy that he didn't realize that me and my friend are really good friends and he knows almost everything about me so there wasn't really anything backing up his story.

What a douche.

 

Epilogue

And there you have it. I actually am having an exciting week (if we don't count the midterms) that I'm calling Fear Week. I'm not spoiling the contents of it right now, but tell you about it later WITH PICTURES. Yeah!

Next week is also Reading Week, in other words VACATION or Vancouver Week!

Aww yeah!

Too bad I also have to study there.

And now when I proofread my story I have this tingling feeling that I'm a bad person. Somebody, tell me I'm awesome and it was the guys who were the awkward ones, not me! :]

Bah, whatever, let's throw this here.

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And suddenly I'm awesome again.

Leave a comment. Keywords: canada, stress, boyfriend, stalker, dating

Fangirl-96 meets her idols.

Saturday 12/22/12 - Ellie Von Bun

I'm sometimes fairly sure I have some sort of AD(H)D. My concentration is as poor as it gets and I constantly jump from one thing to another. If someone is talking to me and I find the subject not interesting enough, I simply shut my ears. Of course a lot of people do this in some form, but it's ridiculous with me and I hate not giving attention to my friends.

But holy smokes what happens when I find something interesting to obsess about.

In some way I love the thumping my heart does and how my brain goes to override, but it can be painful and bad for me also. I take being interested in something to fairly unhealthy level.

First of all, I couldn't care less about anything else. Schoolwork? Never. Friends? Only forced. Boyfriend? I just realized why I'm single.

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Not kidding, I actually arrange time from my friends and everything so I can spend some time with my obsession.

When I first started to watch Doctor Who, I actually left from a bar early so I could go home and watch the show.

While I read Harry Potter, I add in a character which I created so I could have someone to relate more and live in the magical world.

Ever since I started reading Jane Austen books I have been hoping to fall into a coma for a year or two so I could magically dive to early 1800's and live in England.

And it's not only books, movies or things, but actually people too. Yeah, give crazy stalker bitch a minute and she will obsess her brains out of you.

The problem is, it's hard for other people sometimes to cope with me. I have to fight all my time against my obsessing, but on the other hand, if I don't have any, I get bored and in the end depressed. None of the opposite sides are quite right.

Also I don't want to suppress myself so fuck off. If I want to sound like a squirrel, the hell you or I can do anything about it.

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I was madly in love when I was 15. I had an unhealthy relationship with a band called Mew. My poor friends had to listen to the wrecked band if they wanted to spend time with me. This lasted for about two years.

For two looong years, it was the only freaking band I listened. Only. All the time. I gave into my brains to go berserk about that and I can surely say, it was fairly weird times.

The peak of that time came when Mew came to Finland. I was 16 and decided to visit Helsinki to see them and couple of my friends decided to come with me.

My friend said that we should order the tickets online rather than standing outside in -20C degrees for a few hours. I agreed on that and one morning we went to her moms work to use her computer and wait for clock to strike and buy the tickets.

And to my luck, when the clock was 9.00, we noticed that we needed to register to the website.

And after those few minutes all the tickets were sold.

Bummer.

I seriously thought I would hit or strangle my friend for her stupid idea that now ruined my life, but I forgave her when came news of a another gig due to overwhelming popularity.

I decided to wait the hours in the cold for the tickets.

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And up we went with the tickets to Helsinki when the time was ripe.

We had heard rumors about the band giving autographs, but as there wasn't any news anywhere about it, I forgot about it.

My heart almost exploded when we found out that the rumor was true and we had the chance to get the autographs from a mall we were at!

The whole time waiting in the line I shook like I was having some sort of a seizure. I was worried that I might actually faint and tried to think something witty to say.

My time came up and the only thing I could blur out was shaky, sqeaky "hi" that was barely audible.

And right after I got out of the line I burst into a manic laughter while crying my eyes out.

My friends rushed me quickly outside to somewhere I could sit while I screamed like some snapped mental patient.

All that excitement burst like a bubble and I was a wreck. I laughed and cried at the same time while my friends desperately tried to calm me down.

After some embarrasing moments it was time to rush to the concert place so we could actually get nice seats. And it was all good until the time the final door to the concert hall opened.

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I was almost in front of that line and pushed other freaks out of my way, ignored a security guy trying to back us off, ducked his hand and ran like a deer.

Too bad my deer impression reminded too much of Bambi's mom and my feet gave out and I fell.

Nope, I did not trip, my legs just went under me.

But the run was not over if I wanted to the front row.

So I gathered my shit and jumped up while some security guy screamed something after me which I ignored again. I have distinct memory it being something near "Carefully!" and "Do not run!".

The second I got my speed covered, I fell again.

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I almost crawled the rest, but besides all my failing I got to the front row. The security guy apparently managed to hold people behind me enough time for me to get a heads up.

I turned around and realized I had left my friends behind and lost them.

But there was no way I was going to give my awesome spot up so the hell with them.

I spent the whole concert by myself, sometimes "accidentally" hitting person next to me who tried to swoop in front of me. I think I also jumped on top of another girls feet for the same reason.

Cause no one's gonna fuck with me, that's why. Ain't no one.

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So I got my creepy fangirl-96 moments and found my friends afterwards. And for the rest of the year it was probably the only thing I ever spoke about.

Too bad for Jonas Bjerre, I have decided not to forcemarry him anymore. Or was it lucky for him...

Leave a comment. Keywords: music, youth, crazy, stalker

Stalkers steps to survive a break-up

Wednesday 11/7/12 - Ellie Von Bun

If you're socially incomplete like me, relationships can be more difficult for you. I have the tendency to get too attached to a person, but mostly only when they're unavailable or hard to get (this action doesn't apply only to a male-female-relationships but to friendships also).

There is a fine line between being just enthusiastic, to being a crazy stalker bitch. I roughly violate this line by having spent years and years learning the fine arts of stalkerism.

All you need is a small amount of obsessions and an unbalanced personality and you can drive yourself and others to the edge of sanity.

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Oh to be 13 again, when you could stalk all you like without being considered as a crazy bitch. Me and my friends used to have these insane plans how to work into a special someones knowledge.

1. Get his whole name.

2. Get his number using the name.

3. Call to him and hang up when he answers (of course keeping your number as unknown). Repeat. Repeat.

4. If he is at the same school, find out his class schedule and linger in front of these classrooms.

5. Find out where he hangs/works and go linger there.

Not mentioning the drooling over possible pictures (that you can take by taking a picture of your friend while your target is standing on the background), obsessing with/to your friends and planning your kids' names. Also we had a massive list of ALL the possible crushes and cute guys with secret codes. Then we could smoothly use the codes and nobody would understand what was going on. Something like this could happen at school on a break.

ME: "Oh my gosh, number 2 is over there!"

FRIEND1: "What? Where? No that's not number 2, thats 02!" (of course we used numbers and when we ran out of easily remembered ones, the list started again with 0 in the beginning)

FRIEND2: "Huh, I don't like him very muOMIGOD THERE'S 11!"

ME: "WHERE? Oh wait, who is 11? I thought 10 was the last one?"

FRIEND1: "No, we added him yesterday because Meredith saw him two nights ago with 6 and he looked good"

Super cute, right?

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Sadly, there was always the idea to actually text to him (whoever "he" was at the time), but I didn't have the courage to do that so I preferred the original stalkering and drooling.

Now that I'm older, I have to control my stalkerism as much as I can. Believe me, this is no easy task. Once set loose it haunts you forever.

End of a relationship can be extremely difficult for this type of person, especially if the decision is not mutual. Here are great tips to do and not to do for preventing morphing into a overly attached ex-girlfriend!

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1. DESTROY THE EVIDENCE! (at least hide everything)

2. Remove him from phone and Facebook. (obviously!)

3. Buy a teddy bear (any cuddly toy will do).

4. Buy a vibrator (or Fifty shades of grey or any other girl-porn).

5. Actually, even if you're not single, buy the damn thing.

6. Don't use your friends as sleeping toys nor sex toys!

7. Don't start a rebound relationship whining "I just want a steady thing with someone who likes me", you'll end up hurting everyone.

8. Talk to your friends. It's okay. Just don't get too Carrie Bradshaw-y. She's a bitch.

9. Even better, talk to your therapist or get one!

10. Have time to yourself, but for the love you bear for anyone near you, DO NOT obsess. Get it out of your system, but don't get Carried away (see what I did there?).

11. Repay the kindness of others. They were there for you, respect and love them.

12. Get drunk. Have fun. Dance. Sing. Play.

Of course, none of this won't help in the long run. Only time will take away the fact that you no longer have that special someone. But there will be plenty of other victims to obsess to! You're ready when you naturally have a new offering for your stalkerism.

And this little buddy always helps.

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Leave a comment. Keywords: relationships, break-up, stalker, youth