Thursday 11/15/12 - Ellie Von Bun
I'm those kind of people who cry at the end of a sad movie. Holy smokes how awkward things can be when you cry like a little baby, sobbing with puffy eyes, face wet and red, when you are not comfortable crying in front of anyone, ever.
I register a lot of things around me, even though I don't realize it. At least I don't show it enough, and from time to time I have to go through those annoying conversations.
Somebody: "This is such a big thing, really really huge, oh my you'll be surprised!"
And then somebody tells me that something "exciting that'll blow your mind".
Me: "Oh yeah that, yeaah, I already kinda knew that.."
And then I have to spend the next hour explaining that I haven't really spied on anyone, I just listened and noticed peoples behavior.
While I do know things about people around me, I don't emphasize enough with them to annoy many (girl best friends, boyfriends). I still can give a good advice while not following them myself. Do what I say, not what I do. If I want to make my mistakes, let me. I am aware of them.
When it comes to fictional stuff, my mind goes stupid and emphasizes the crap out of everything. My mind actually believes it's in Hogwarts or Tamriel, killing zombies in apocalypse, you name it. Then all my registering is mirrored in my dreams and takes me to the edge of sanity. Although awesome, my dreams are sometimes messed up and exhausting and can decide how my head works the next day.
I do wish I could paint or draw, as I'll never be able to explain exactly what I've seen and experienced nightly. It's something completely insane and wonderful and I love it.
It's no surprise that I'm unable to watch horror movies with a mind like this. My imagination fills the pieces I haven't watch and relives all the moments from the movies I've seen and sometimes it's hard to handle.
A very low moment of my life happened when I was 15 and had spent few years trying to get over my fears. I had just learned to walk stairs calmly after closing the lights at home without a fear that somebody was behind me trying to murder me. When I was walking alone in the dark, I didn't have to run because the ghost face from Scream would be running behind me. I was insanely scared of ghost face (never seen the movies) and when I was asleep, I had to cover my neck in case of vampires.
I was happy as my confidence was growing and I could actually spend a night alone at our summer cottage without any symptoms of feardom.
Sadly, my joy and happiness was about to be destroyed by my friends.
I had a group of girlfriends, as a normal teenager, and experienced a heavy load of social pressures and psychological battles. The most severe one was when it was the groups Queen Bees sidekicks birthday and the two of them wanted to see a movie.
We agreed on the plans to have a dinner and then see the movie at our local cinema, and as it was Monday and a school night, then go home. Few days before the day, I realized the movie we were planning to see was actually a Japanese based horror movie called The Grudge. I said no to that.
It was painful, two of my friends weren't fans of horror films either and would have been okay with a different movie. But no. For the two leaders of our group, it was the only movie they wanted to see. It was that movie or no movie.
Then I proposed a plan that I come to the dinner and hang with them until the movie starts and then leave for home. Apparently it wouldn't be fun if everyone wasn't there so that was no option either. Well, how about if we would just have the dinner then? Oh, but now the day would be ruined and would be the best that we didn't do anything at all.
After a time of fighting, it came to that it was either me watching the god damn movie, or my friend wouldn't celebrate her birthday at all.
And to the movie we went!
I screamed only twice the whole time, due to the fact that I kept my eyes closed at least for half of the movie. At some point I even had my hands on my ears so I wouldn't have to listen to it. My eyelids couldn't stay closed as they were shaking so bad. And yet I was too embarrassed to leave in the middle of the film. I wish I would have.
And of course my stupid brain was curious to peek at some parts I didn't want to see, and added all the missing parts when I kept my eyes closed.
Next day at school I met my well-rested friends who hadn't any problems in the world. I on the other hand looked like if somebody had punched both my eyes.
No surprises here, but I ensured some awkward laughter as I hadn't slept all night.
I finally fell asleep of exhaustion the next night, somewhere around 4am while having lights and music on. The whole week I had my personal nights of the living dead, couldn't handle being alone and felt that my life wasn't living for.
A looot of time later I finally catch on sleeping, but my previous success in confidence and not being afraid all the time was shattered. I woke up every night to nightmares about creepy dead girls, dark attics and buildings in the middle of forests. All the other horrors came back and haunted my nights.
For the next half a year I had to bring a radio to shower with me, so that I would have my mind occupied from hearing wet footsteps around me. Next couple years I spent never closing both my eyes while washing myself. It's not funny when you have shampoo in your eye when you try to wash half your face at a time.
I liked to doodle my books and notes to an unrecognizable state, and I sometimes draw the eye of the Grudge girl and was scared of the ugly drawing.
In the end the nightmares started to let go and my nights became bearable. Of course I still have a lot of nightmares, they're just not trying to give me a heart attack at the same volume.
If there's a one good thing about the whole ordeal, it's that I got quickly over my teenagers whining about not wanting to go to the sauna with my mother. After that I begged my mom to go with me as I was too scared to go alone. And then I had somebody to cover my back and could actually close my eyes while washing hair and face!
I hope my friends learned at least some kind of lesson seeing my life crumbling in front of their eyes and having to witness the cause of their behavior in me.
I've had a lot of work with my insecurities and fears, but I'm still bitter about that small little event that caused so much trouble in my fragile mind. Actually those people aren't my friends anymore, we grew apart really quickly after going to upper secondary school soon after.
And oh, it is such a shame.