This is about what I've been up to in the past 4 years. This is about failure and how it affects us.
I'm a sensitive person. I am terrified constantly of being judged, being rejected and - you guessed it - failing in general. On top of that, for all my life I've made ridiculously high expections of myself. When I was seven, all I wanted was to be better than others and like the most humblest of first graders, skip the second grade. I did not. And over 20 years later I'm still bitter about it.
That's the thing, I made goals way above my abilities and then gave myself shit about it for the years to come. Now I'm 29 and I still do it.
Guess what though? Failure is okay. It happens all the time, it happens to everyone and it's very healthy to happen. It only gets wrong when you can't let it go, when you make it personal and rip up your anxiety and dwell on it.
In the past 4 years I've failed in many ways. I had things in control, I graduated and I got hold of my depression and started to enjoy life fully. I also stopped working on with my ADD because "I probably didn't have it" and "Even if I did, who cares". You can probably guess also that that decision will bite me in the ass later. :D
As I already mentioned, I had to give up my dog away around 2015 after being guite sick for long periods at the time. That's probably one of the biggest failures I've had, right next to the good ol' "went to Denmark to go to Africa and returning in less than a week because I forgot to Google is the organization legit". I felt awful for not being responsible enough to care for my dog. Who gives up their dogs? Bad people. That makes me one of the bad people. I still feel that way even though I know it was the only option for both of us to have fulfilling and healthy lives.
In 2014 I also bought my first apartment for me and my pup to live in. I also started to hate the place pretty much around the dog left. So after a year living there I was done with the place. That's a massive failure by the way. At least financially. I hated the back yard filled with ticks, the street next to my windows and the people walking past and staring inside. I spent one year with blinds closed and all my plants died because there's no sunshine in the depths of Mordor.
I've also had couple of relationship, two quite good ones in my standards and with one fitting perfectly in my timeline.
You see, even though I lost the dog and hated my apartment, I was in a good place in general. Confident, having a good job and lovely friends. Didn't care about my health issues in a bad way, just enough to care for them by traveling and visiting the doctors I deemed needed. But here's the part that makes things tricky. When one thing fails, it causes a chain reaction that at one point you may not be able to stop.
Relationships are fickle and there are many reasons why they might not work. I'm not perfect. Neither have been my partners. The first good relationship ended and I did get back to my feet and good ways. I still excercised. My psoriasis started to get better. Wildly better actually, it disappeared for a little while fully.
But the rejection was horrifying experience. It took some time to get back in the track.
The second good one was a very meaningful for me. I'd finally reach a point in my life where I was honestly happy so I actually could give a lot to the relationship. I also made some mistakes, because I am a faulty person. I'm an empathetic person and can go overboard trying to help my chosen people to the point I smother them. But the other person did not want it. What I did was to forget myself trying to please the other.
If you don't know it yet, being overly excited about some thing is an ADD thing. It can get obsessive, and the subject can be a person as it can be a hobby. I recently bought 15 plants because I sometimes don't have control over my obsessiveness and impulses.
Now put together rejection sensitivity, obsessive head over heels love and an unwanted break-up and you get a very, very intense encounter in timeline. At that point my blissfull happiness was already on a shaky ground, because I was getting bored in other aspects in my life. The awful apartment still after 3 years, work that was otherwise lovely but my brain kept screaming "Is this it?".
Two weeks after the break-up in my stable situation I decided to do everything I can to make things in my life exciting and happy again and that included selling the old place, buying a new one and starting a new job with new challenges.
2017 was quite a year. Some bad things happened. Actually quite good many things happened too. I got my current home and my current job which are both dear to me. But I definitely was not in the right mind-set to do all those things.
I had failures in selling the old place which worked the best in the end. Big ass failure was the job I took at the same time I was renovating the new place. I worked normally and spent all my free time at the new place painting etc. Summer rolled around and it was just plain full. I also spent more time excercising at the same time I did all these other things. I did not have one spare moment for months.
And by the end of the summer I couldn't get up. First I thought it was the break-up that I was wildly ignoring finally catching up with me. Well it was that. It was also the new job that I was not comfortable being in. It was the fact that I was exhausted by having intense hayfever and not having any vacation. Well I did take two weeks of vacation that I spent traveling and renovating and partying. Again, had zero days resting. It was just a normal good old burn-out from things I decidedly ignored.
When you let things go as far to get an actual burn-out, you're simply way too far. By that point you should just accept it and have the rest. It's okay.
I did not.
In the end, I'm glad of my choices. But only because I'm slowly healing now, a year later.
Anyway, my rambling story continues. I was a complete mess and had a job I did not enjoy but it paid for my glorious new place. I took a week worth of sick leave and then went back acting everything was fine. I got lucky and had a job interview from another place and suddenly I had in my hands an amazing offer.
But even with my glorious new offer I hesitated a lot. I was exhausted. I wasn't sure if things were bad because of the work or another things. So I spent few days crying and accepting the failure that was my job of almost 6 months. At this point I was trying to accept the failure of my relationship too, had zero confidence so you can imagine how I felt about starting yet again a new job with even higher standards. But I took the offer anyway.
That was actually a good decision. In hindsight, better solution would have been staying and having a loooong sick leave. But that's neither here or there, as I didn't feel comfortable to do so anyway in a relatively new job.
One thing I left out was that the new home I bought had a big ass renovations coming up and that meant 3 months living out of the building, still paying mortgage so there was no money to rent other place. Again, a very bad decision in my fragile state, but that actually went much better than I was expecting.
I started to heal slowly, and found new hope and strength after spending a month traveling in Asia. I survived the whole 3 months of homelessness thanks to my friends, work and lonely trip in the world.
I would love to say at this point how I suddnely met a prince charming on a white stallion, excelled at everything in my job and am now the happiest thing in the world. But life is not about happy endings because even if you reach a happy state, it's not something that ends anything or stays by itself.
At this point I'm just starting to accept my failures and let go of a bunch of regrets.
Remember when I said that ignoring my ADD will bite me in the butt? Well that has taken a chunk of my arse the whole time. The whole story has elements of fuck-upery I could have worked better if I had any understanding who I am as a person (and who I am not). I'm not saying ADD is a condition that needs to be healed. I'm saying that if I wouldn't have ignored it, I'd be more aware of myself and understand how I react to things and how I can work with things and use my qualities as an advantage.
So I started that project after I found my new zen and knew that it wouldn't last. Of course it didn't last, didn't you just read the whole rambling? I have a shorter fuse for a blow-out year after year. But at least I started the whole health -project in time. I already had a major failure at work as I did not meet my horrifying expectations. "I got better, now I should be awesome and happy" and oh boy I was not happy about.. well.. not being happy.
That takes us to this moment. My initial reaction to my newest fuck-up after promising being awesome again was to give up. I did not though. And now I'm happy about that.
Here's a collection since 2014 of things that has happened, I've started and/or failed and probably will fail because as I am as a person:
Apartment no. 1
Writing a book
Playing cello again
Singing (with courses)
Gave my dog away
Writing a book again
Some jobs (I did not even mention them all in the story)
Excercising (gained a bunch of weight and lost muscles, gotta love my life)
Major comeback of depression
Streaming games (haven't yet failed but hey..)
And the list goes on with other stupid things, some bigger, some very small.
The point is, we cannot shy away from our shortcomings and failures. Things will not always go the way we want and plan. I know how I react to rejection and failure and need to work on that. I've tried a year to just generally 'be happy' but that's not how you do it. So one thing at a time I'll let those things go with a goal to just.. stop thinking about things I can do nothing about anymore.
Here you have it, in a nutshell what has been going on.
I can now make promises to start writing again, and I do have stories about travels, ADD, psoriasis and some other things. So I might tell those. If not, then I'll add it to my Fail -list and move on.
TL;DR: I was happy, then I wasn't happy, I made a bunch of questionable choices and now I'm relatively okay.
Sorry for being quiet and stealthy just publishing new site without a word.
Couple words about it though. The old site died with Wordpress. Had to make a new one. I made one day at some time ago and I used the product of the company I work with. That's about it. I didn't even bother to do a layout design before creating it so it's a first draft. Sue me. At least we still have elephants!
I totally lost my cool about my skin condition. Then I decided I'm gonna do something about it.
Some people might be curious what my skin looks now. I would be.
My life jumped a tiny bit harder mode than before. It's unfair in my opinion. My legs went to really bad shape. Itching was unbearable. If I dared to scratch (which is something you just have to do at some point) the pain was killing me. And even if didn't scratch.. well it was still painful.
And it was spreading.
How much I tried to use different lotions, nothing was working with my skin. My arms and stomach started to get more spots in a wildy rapid motion.
These are my legs a year ago happily showing of my brand new tattoo like a proper teenage girl. Couple of moles here and there. No more.
After getting few spots I went to a dermatologist and other doctors and hoped for the best.
Hope didn't work.
At some point I pretty much gave up for ever being pretty again. I was thinking of becoming a proper butterface as it was looking at that point that the fucker will creep on my face too.
Well luckily my face is still clear but my body is not. Here are couple photos from around three weeks ago, almost a year after the previous picture.
These are also just before I went to Cape Verde for a week long vacation. And that vacation was meant for my skin.
In these pictures the spots are quite ok looking. I've just out of a shower as my skin is still wet and have already put lotions on, so they just look red without the dry part.
You can also see that my hand looks better than my legs.
I decided mainly take pics from my legs and I'd still have plenty but these shall do.
Somedays my skin is better. Somedays it's not.
Today I went to see the same dermatologist again. As my skin has only gotten worse and more straightforward, she gave me the official diagnosis and all the needed papers so I can have treatment. With light! Light treatment!
So I will get my skin burned up nicely with fake sun. Beware fake tanned teenagers, I'm following your footstepst! With an actual health reason of course.
I might apply for a sun treatment trip in the next fall to the Canary Islands. Also for very cheap!
Anyhow, I got a bunch of new lotions and the weather is getting easier to live with so I hope for the best.
I can leave this rant with two words: Why me?
In other things, I'm still planning on buying an apartment. I've even put a couple offers but lost them. But I have time!
I've finished everything in my school except for my thesis which I'm starting pretty much now. I want to graduate this summer. And I will.
So if I disappear again for some time, I'm working and doing my thesis so I'll be busy. Still.
Holy smokes did I have some little tweeks to do before I could start actually writing. So many updates from which at least one destroyed something and I had to dig deep into files again to find the bug.Shamefully I also had forgotten my admin password so had to deal with that too.
I also added new random pics for my randomized me-section and fixed the broken twitter feed! Well no, I didn't actually managed to fix that but I fixed the looks of it. Now I can ignore it better.
You know what I hate? Blogs that die. I truly hate them.
I know it's July since I last wrote a word and I totally let my twitter go but sue me. Yeah you can't. So suck it up.
Anyhow I have been rather busy. Yes I do have free time but try to be as tired as I am and you'd let blogging be the first one to go too!
So I'm a dog owner. Being a single dog owner is a tad time consuming. Just saying.
Around the end of September I went for a road trip to get my adopted not-so-puppy doggie home. I had prepared everything for her and was stressing myself over the thought that she will have a hard time to get used to everything. Little did I know that actually she was the brave and capable one and I was the one having adaption issues.
For the week before receiving her I started to panic. Having a dog means a lot of responsibilities and I was having doubts about myself greatly. I took my brave face on and went on with it anyway.
The first one to two weeks are bit a haze to me as I spent them pretty much having massive long-term panic attack. But I knew I'd get used to it before long (not the panic, the dog) and yes, as the days rolled by it started to get easier. The dog lost her anxiety in a week and with her actions and behavior being so top-notch, it made easier for me to adapt later on.
I thought she would be stereotypical adoption dog from Russia with a lot of trust issues and all that, but no. In the first car ride, even though being super scared she was braver than many of the other dogs I saw and climbed on my lap for safety on the way back. She sat there the whole way, poor skinny little thing.
In a few days she started to climb in to the bed with me to sleep and I don't always have the heart to tell her no. And she sleeps on her back, her paws facing the roof like a real puppy.
Even though we get along greatly now and she's a real proper dog, the thing I'm still adapting on is how to survive with work, school and taking care of her. I love her to the bits already but it really takes a lot to do all these things alone.
I feel bad when I'm at work for she's all by herself and when I have to leave work I feel bad for not being able to do more.
And I do feel bad too for not being able to do all the stuff I'd like. There's no other options for me than to be with her after being at work or school all day. I'm not saying I have a lot of things, it's just all the little things too. Anything from after school activities to after-work.
But it's cool, we're getting there. I just don't want to feel bad over it all the time.
There's really haven't been any improvements in my health which makes it a bit harder. I take my girl out every day at least three times a day and it keeps getting harder and harder. Those who say that it gets better as after you just start going out you'll start to feel better soon, they lie. It's not getting easier, it's actually more like pushing my last pieces of energy into it and it's getting harder and harder. If I sleep and gather my energy for a weekend or so it's easier for a while, but I really don't have much options for those resting days as I still have to take her out as always. I just don't do any other stuff in that day.
It's also the first time I've realized that I have an actual problem with all this darkness. Can't wait for Spring and light to come. I need more energy. I have to eat so many dietary supplements that they take all my money.
So this blows. My poor skin isn't getting any better because it's so dry and dark and I'm bruising just by wearing shoes. And the rash tickles and hurts quite bad.
As it might be clear by now all this affects my ability to express myself. Some days I sound pretty much like Tarzan using a few words trying to express myself. Me hungry. You stupid.
But right now there's not much to do about it than wait and survive.
Me and my doggie are just fine though, she's gotten all fat and likes to sleep a lot and sometimes meets quite a lot of dog friends.
Only if my life starts to be too hectic that it affects her well-being will I start to think of finding her a new home. It's always nice that there's that option but I won't take it unless it's really the better choice for her.
Yes it would be easier if there were another person helping but sometimes you can't choose.
So my life is pretty much my work, my dog and a little bit my school too. I'm starting on my thesis as soon as I can and am missing only one course which I'll start on January. If happens that I get a long term contract for my job, I'll probably buy an apartment. I've started apparently to worry about my future and that seems a nice way to work with that. I'd have a home of my own and by paying the mortgage I'd be saving money on the apartment. It's a fairly good choice if you think about it! But we'll see what happens.
Oh, my dogs name is Sofi by the way. I had problems figuring out what her name was and that one just kind of stayed. She's a lovely yet slightly derpy doggie.
I was supposed to write this post way before the last one, so now that I have even more health problems, this is even more accurate.
I'm quite typical Finnish person. I like my own company, I stare at feet and ceilings a lot and understate pretty much everything I can.
Typical job interview with me would go something like this:
Interviewer: What would you say is your qualities that makes you a good employee?
Me: Well I don't know, I guess I'm not late that often and I do try to work as much as I can. I think I'm okay.
Interviewer: Do you have anything to show from your past work?
Me: Well I do have this, but it's ugly though, and it has this and this going on that's not quite right, oh hell, this is bad, don't hate me. I tried!
Interviewer: Umm, okay, so what can you give to our company, what is your thing that makes us want to work with you?
Me: The hell I'm supposed to know, I guess I get along with people. Well, at least when I get to know to everybody. Well, I do have problems with female coworkers sometimes. Well, I'm actually not a big people person at all. Okay, scratch that, I suck and you don't want me.
This is just an illustration, almost based on a true story but not quite.
That kind of overly modest "Nah, I'm not that good in the end" works for health issues too. "Oh I'm not that sick." "Dude, you're bleeding!" "It'll stop at some point STOP PRESSURING ME!"
I do the same. I whine of being ill or in pain, but I never see it enough of an issue to actually visit a doctor.
So then I'll stay whiny little bitch just because do I REALLY need a doctor for my not-painful-at-all issues? And when I finally give in and decide to see a doctor I just lie my ass off. Well not lie, just understate!
Not gonna fix these typos.
Yeah, I see the typo here too but it's just too much effort to fix that. Off. Jump off a bridge. You get the drill.
Oh I'm not covered in blood, my sheets are red. An the blurry thing on the floor is the mess I always have.
All of these things have happened.
And quite many times I've been sent home just with "you may or may not have something".
For example that liver infection case, the doctor didn't really know how sick I actually was until she saw the lab results. After that she told me that my body had gone through quite a thing and original flu is nothing in comparison. Oh. I may have had my brave face on (even though me crying on the reception and sleeping in an empty room might have given some clue).
I'll probably one day get stabbed and suffer couple days before I actually have the courage to go to doctor.
And the funny thing is, I'm again with the similar situation. This time I'm going to a doctor next month and I'm quite sure I will tell nothing to the guy. I'm just exhaaausted and tired and can't really function. But that's nothing, really. Maybe? Should I overstate my being and be considered wildly ill?
Can't wait for the cancer and the pain it'll cause. "Nah, it's nothing, I'll just die in peace here".
No wonder I'm all hypochondriac with all this crappy health things going on. At least my superlotions are starting to save my tattoo. That psoriasis is letting go its grip slowly but surely. Well, not surely, but at least slowly. Better than nothing!
Except all elsewhere of my body. Getting new ones every day.
Other things, it takes a couple months before I get my doggie. She'll get here, just a bit late. Then millions of pictures!
I also have brilliant idea for my next post, so stay tuned. It might suck too, but that's just more fun! Your frustrated little faces all bummed out of my laziness. :) Wish I had some photos of those faces. Would made my day.
So this has been hanging on my site for some time now.
And no it doesn't bug me a bit. Nope. Na'a. Not a chance.
Holy bathole batman, hell yeah it annoys me and the worst part of it is I have no idea how to fix that. All my pride in my work is gone and I feel beaten.
Oh well, who cares. I'll fix that when the time is right.
So I moved!
Ignore the undone bed and the toilet paper roll (allergies, I swear!).
I didn't take pictures of the kitchen (that is on the right) nor bathroom (which is behind), I just don't care enough. Well it's an awesome place with that balcony thingy so woohoo! And cheap too!
If you want to know, it's Freaks and Geeks running on the TV. Of course you want to know.
In the other news I got a job. Yay me! It happened couple weeks ago, I got a phone call to come to an interview the very day and I went and by the end of the interview I was hired.
And holy smokes I adore my job. I'm doing layouts (like I designed and created this one oh so long ago!) mainly and CSS -thingies so that's what I do. And it's brilliant. It's a temporary position for now, but we'll see. I might be good enough to continue, who knows!
So all is good, eh?
Nothing bad or annoying can happen when things roll so nicely?
Well so happened that my tattoo never just got better, so I went to a doctor who knew nothing, but mentioned about psoriasis and recommended a dermatologist. Then I destroyed a whole lot of antibiotics with my body. And nothing.
So to the dermatologist I went and ho behold, psoriasis it is. Can't say for sure when, how and why it now has acted up, but most likely it was the god forbidden liver infection that triggered that thing up. I understood that quite often psoriasis need some sort of infection to lure its ugly head out and as things fit so nicely, that might be it. Some might blame the tattoo, but in my opinion it's just the sufferer. It got okay somewhat around the infection and it was until the touch-up when it never got healed. And it looks like the rash just has taken it over and won't let go.
It looks better now as I've been feeding lotions to it and now I have super strong killer lotions too. It looked bad earlier when the skin came off. That was.. bad. And as you can see, it's only few areas that act up (the other red is actual coloring work not to be mixed up). You can imagine my worries about continuing infections in the tattoo but then again, I did have these.
That's an almost healed psoriasis caused rash thingy. I think this was the first and biggest of them, I do have more of those, unhealed, smaller and counting. Just yesterday I noticed a few on my arm, sooo they are definitely creeping up from my feet to my face.
Yup, had one on my face too. Still there. Sucks monkey balls.
So my life is like a Pokémon game of diseases. Gotta catch 'em all! I wish the liver infection would already be far in my past and not give me anymore shit but nope, here we are.
And it's starting to be like something new for every year. So shall we make a bet for next year? Lactose intolerant is already tested, so I can give really good odds for that to happen. Other things could be cancer, hypothyroidism, autism, ADHD (still not diagnosed) or any other cool thing, physical or psychical, I'm on it. Oh and have to test sometime if I'm barren etc.
So that's about it, on the other hand all these cool things happen and it's all good. But then there's my health that fails me, year by year. Hell. Ass.
Oh and I'm getting a dog. She should arrive next month. ;)
This is what's happening with my blog. When I look at it, I realize I should blog. After I look away, it's gone.
Oh well, let's make a little post what is up with me. I like me. I like to talk about me.
This post shall be dedicated to my friend who keeps on checking my blog daily and support me at my trifle.
Let's start with the first thing that actually is related to the starting of this blog.
I went to a doctor a week ago because I decided after a year to stop my medication. Why?
Well for the past months I've felt just brilliant. Absolutely content and satisfied with my life and not even unemployment and apartmentless haven't brought me down. Just regular stress, no biggies.
And I don't know why. Something happened with me after my illness. Maybe it was about how my body was emptied of everything and started again from a start. It could be it. Or maybe I realized that life is awesome and things could be worse.
As I couldn't even eat the medicine being sick, my brain went all "what's up with that, how I'm supposed to know how to work" and then started again from a start and went "oh, so THIS is serotonin, let's work this shit up then!".
So kids, when you suffer from depression, apparently the thing to do is to destroy your liver or something and give your body a phoenix-like rebirth. It works. Don't try it at home though.
So in a week or two, I'm dropping them off. But I have to give credit for the greatest doctor ever. As I am "young and beautiful" I should "go outside" because the weather is good and my personal favorite, "enjoy life."
I tried to explain my liver situation, but she decided by looking at my unyellow eyes that I'm healthy now and I should "forget about it, let it go. It's in the past.". So. Let's do just that then. I was sick. I am not anymore.
Let's hope for the best and see if I feel as brilliant or even more brilliant later!
Funny thing, I started yet again a project that I can later on leave unfinished.
I told my friend how I finally read Fifty Shades of Grey, which by the way, is extremely horrifying book and I don't recommend it to anyone. It's a slightly longer harlequin with exact same plot as all of them that is written by a woman who most likely is not happy with her relationships and wishes still for her prince charming to come and save her. And for some reason, she wrote her childish dreams badly on the paper and got rich.
It's a bad book. Twilight is classic literature in comparison. Don't read it.
Anyway, my friend mentioned that even us could write a better book than that piece of unrealistic crap. So that's what we're going to do. Write an extremely awesome, badly written piece of epicness and get filthy rich doing so.
I'm not giving all the things about it away. We are creating it via Google Drive (which is awesome) and it has sci-fi, romance, fantasy, history and all kinds of randomness in it. So it will be brilliant. Of course!
I'm excited about this. It's a stupid idea enough, but a fun project!
In other notes, still no job. It's frustrating and I hate being rejected all the time. Still, I'm hoping for the best and I can still pay my rent so I'll survive.
And to my absolute thrill, I got an awesome apartment. It's a student place, big one with a cheap rent on a very nice spot. I couldn't be happier. Something good sometimes really brings spirits up, eh?
I have no idea how to end this post so let's just go with something totally unrelated but proved to be a good way for ending random preaches.
Kids, don't do drugs.
Edit: While moving all the posts to new site I added the pic again. It wasn't a pic. It was a gif. And now I'm scared.
For those who have slumbered here, I am sorry for my quietness. If there was anything I could say to explain for my behavior I'd explain the hell out of me, but unfortunately I don't think I can.
Let's try to do this with pictures then!
So, I apparently live in some sort of a cave.
First I had my finals, which I failed in the end (except for one I think). I focused on them stressing the hell out of me. For nothing.
I also spent some time with quality company, a nice young lad kept me out of trouble and made me feel a bit sorry for leaving. Also, the spring just started so it was really a shame to leave just then.
When I returned to home, I blamed jet lag, which really is not a good reason for not to blog.
I'm hunting for a job and an apartment which is so stressing that I shut myself in the world of games, The Sims 3 and Civilization 5 mostly, and ignore the mess and the horrible thought of not having a penny and nothing to do. Except for cleaning and unpacking. Which I don't want to do.
Please forgive this face. This is my "I'm sorry I'm just a puppy" -look.
Come on, I'm not even showering, why would I blog?
Hey, I've been checking couple apartments already and guess what?
People are crazy and homeless.
Let's say we go to see a wildly expensive place with cracking walls and moldy floors. People come in and the first thing they do is throw the nice lady who is showing the place with applications.
And whatever the nice lady says makes the people to calm themselves.
"There's really no room for an actual stove, but we have this handy separate stove you can hide in the cabin!"
"Yeah well, there's really no room for bathroom either, so we have toilet in the kitchen so you can cook while you poop!"
Well, I've decided to leave this student apartment and find a place I can stay after graduation so I'm one of those lovely people. Oh my.
I still have interviews to go to and shits to do so let's keep our pants on and be patient. I'm also meeting ALL of my friends like there's no tomorrow so I'm too happy to blog and whine. Oh, wait..
Now I wish I had finished all the raw texts I've made, but no. Not good enough.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and made food out of nothing.
Please excuse me of my horrible English, which according to one of my professors is hard to understand, but I'm still horribly tired and can hardly focus.
I got bored and put my Spotify playlists into a better order. This is my pride now that I'm trying to keep nice and clean. (Hope the link works) If you like it, follow it! No pressure.
So last week I got mail from doctor saying I should come back and take more blood samples before that.
Sounds assuring, right?
My sickness was indeed very fun. First I thought it was plain hangover. After a day I decided that it was a food poisoning. After that I thought it might be some sort of body flu or whatever they call it. Later I was jumping on between salmonella and cancer. And around that time I fought my way to the doctor.
After antibiotics I got better and so happened that I was more sick than original flu would have been. Apparently I got some kind of "vital liver infection" which my body thank heavens already got through. Me and my doctor both are quite sure that it was unfortunate reaction after heavily consuming alcohol or something, but I still have to take all kinds of tests. Mainly because the doctor is worried that I got hepatitis or something from the tattoo place. But this is very unlikely. So don't worry.
But now I'm quite done with Saskatoon. When you lie in your bed a week, unable to go farther than the toilet, your mind is your only company. One friend was kind enough to bring me something to drink and helped on my way to the doctor and waited for me there. Other than that, I was all alone, miserable and sad.
And I knew that back in Finland I would have had somebody to take care of me, at least for a while. Actually, I have been already looked after there by more than one person, for example after my break-up when I couldn't leave the house and was unable to eat. It's no fun being sick enough to cry all the time all alone.
All these people do and care is having fun. In one way, it's always fun to have fun, but I'm starting to be sick and tired of the way of having fun here.
Of course, that means you always have to be drunk. And last Friday as I was hanging at a party sober I realized that those parties are that horrible that you have to be drunk to survive them.
I'm tired of seeing drunk people hitting on each other and accidentally and on purpose showing intimate places. It's like being a teenager all over again. Or hamsters in a small box.
My liver already failed me and I was one of the boring ones! What the hell guys!?
I'm now killing time by doing schoolwork and getting ready for heading back home (one month left!). But I don't want to be a total douche so I'm trying to enjoy my time as much as I can, even though the end of April couldn't come sooner. Especially as I decided to move to my own place, out of roommate living! Yay!
So, good luck for me as I'm broke and sober probably for the rest of my trip. Gym and outside world, here I come! Fuck you all drunk idiots with your second (or still the first) teenage! This girl is done and now paid her dues.
Thank god here are a few nice and actually fun people who makes the time here worth it. Otherwise I would run, fast and far.
Edit note: Even though I'm 100% sure the doctor said "vital", she did have a super thick accent and I'm now sure she meant viral. That makes more sense.
There I was, minding my own business, watching Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2 and taking everything in from a mild hangover and making decisions about life and hardly realized that I was getting sicker and sicker.
Finally, I went to sleep early to kick the nauseating feeling. Sadly, it was not the hangover anymore.
So I've spent the last week weeping at night, fearing for my life to end, vomiting blood (quite innocently, except my mind is sure I'm dying because of this), hoping for life to end and in the end, fearing that it might not end after all.
Now as the Sunday night goes down, I feel mildly okay. Mildly as in my stomach still aches, but I'm still able to eat even though not with normal pace and enthuast.
Anyway, before this, time has gone by juggling with doing fun stuff and stressing about massive amount of schoolwork. Have I yet done any? Well, I started! And I made nice schedule in my head how to work this on. Except I fell ill and now I'm way late in that too.
Thank goodness these teachers are so damn nice and help me so I'm not lost cause yet!
This also means my head is all full of boring school stuff and hate for alcohol and human beings. Even though I've had week for strickly to my thoughts, hardly anything is publishable by any means. Maybe I will someday tell how I decided to be a good person from here on, but that might just be that. Who knows.
Just for not making this post about procrastination and vomiting 'n stuff, I present you with my deep hatred given to my path by Canadian engineers. Those guys really have thumbs in their asses or something.
Nothing wrong with this picture, is there?
This building is supposed to be brand new and does that look fresh and practical to you? Well, no, it's already getting off the wall and not the way that I wanted.
And what's wrong with no hand showers? I've never seen one. Only these types high on top of your head, that's it. Who comes clean just standing there? My poor feet are soon growing mold because I can't find a good way to wash them under these god forbidden showerheads.
This. I hate this. I hate this so much. I have to put the water running with it's full force and wait for spot to run in. This with the fact that you can't take the showerhead to your hand is the combination of pure evil.
And if I want warm water slowly running on top of me? Not gonna happen, this shower won't have no pussies here, if you want your lame water, you'll take it ice cold, bitch.
Here's me in the shower. Well an illustration of some sort at least. The dudette is at least at the correct height to picture my joy in the shower. There's that convenient little bench that forces me to stand in that spot, facing that goddamn water that is shooting on my face with full force.
I have tried standing on the bench, sitting on it, staying under the force but there really isn't any normal way to use this shower.
This shower is a work of pure idiotism and it blows my mind how someone must been jumping out of their trousers saying "Guys, guys, I know how we gonna make a shower that works!" and have the others to go with it. It must've been April Fools' day.
My mom will definitely kill me, but that won't be happening until she finds out. So never again I shall go to spend summer in our cottage or visit sauna with my mom.
Here is my Photoshop sketch of the idea:
Yeah, that's one ugly little bastard.
Luckily, the real one is fairly different, but I'll save it for later to show it. You know, because I'm so fair and cool!
So I had exciting few weeks!
It started with a Drag show in Carnival of Sex, which was a first of those for me. It was indeed entertaining, as the carnival theme causes tingling in my exciteness areas (in a non-sexual way, as that sounds somewhat dirty).
I'm also certain I must start pole dancing as soon as I head back to Finland. I definitely want a body and muscles like those girls in the show. (Different show, these were actual girls!)
On Monday I grabbed the balls of my most annoying fear, the fear of heights. So I went wall climbing with my friend! I went beyond my expectations and got higher as I've never would have dreamt and enjoyed it very much! Yay me and yay my friend! Definitely going back again and I will surprise my roommate back in Finland by showing my squirrellike qualities.
On Friday it was time for my second fear, the fear of needles. Tattoo time! I was extremely annoying client as I wanted multiple changes to the sketch and didn't seem certain or satisfied at all. I am satisfied, but who can be content while freaking out so near to your fears with annoying buzzing sound all around you.
The picture was fast to do, thanks to my awesome tattoo artist who also designed the unique picture! I survived and just almost fainted after the work from all the excitment and adrenaline. Just almost. Not quite.
And now I can start planning the next one, for which I actually have two different ideas. Maybe I'll get them both in time. Sorry mom.
We had Reading week (also known as Spring break) after that and I travelled to Vancouver with three of my school mates. 27 hour bus ride (with 3 hour delay) was surprisingly easy with games, talking, books and a neck pillow. I guess I'm getting old as my legs have decided to go against me by not standing long trips sitting.
I also could have hit the old man next to me who had all his stuff in his feet, and slightly on my side, with one bag constantly falling on top of my fresh tattoo. I was pissed.
We did all kinds of things in such a pace that I'm still fairly exhausted!
We went to science world.
We ate sushi on a beach on a sunset.
We went to a burlesque show. (Sorry, no naked ladies for you!)
We had lunch at Stanley Park - in a car.
We walked through Stanley Park - in the rain.
We went swimming in the Pacific Ocean, which included a small project on behalf of my tattoo.
And some different kinds of wonderful things!
I don't fancy telling all the things because in the end it's rather boring to hear (at least in my opinion), so let's just sum it up with this.
Socially awkward tips for surviving in life:
1. When you meet a stranger, DON'T ask them would they eat human meat, even if the topic gives this opportunity. Talking about eating kangaroo and dogs with comments like "well, you always have to try everything!" with the waitress is small talk. Cannibalism is not.
2. Apparently you should tip your tattoo artist. Almost fainting is not excuse enough to bail of this action, especially when they are super concerned of your well being. This also means I'm definitely not going back to the place I got mine.
And as that list ended up being so sad, I'll include this other one.
All the merits of life added to my awesome list in these couple weeks:
1. Get a tattoo
2. Go wall climbing
3. See live Drag show
4. See live Burlesque show
5. Swim in the Pacific Ocean
6. Throw up in the washroom of a small, sweet local museum
Right now I'm in the middle of last midterms and I believe for the first time in the current school time I have earned my first fails. And I believe I don't actually care as much as I should.
Next stop, weekend on a cabin with hot tub, alcohol and friends. I'll relax the crap out of me!
Until the next time!
Oh wait, did I forgot something? Ah yes, here's the tattoo.
P.S. Just now my mom found out. I'll see you all in next life. WHO TOLD HER? She has some magic powers I believe..
P.P.S. I actually failed to post this earlier and the mentioned cabin trip is already held. Oh well.
I solemny swear I've been good and busy (ha!) this time I've been away with no words. I have slowly pushed my way out of "No."s and starting to feel alive again. Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of midterms so I'm stressed out and really need to do studying.
Not to worry, I decided to reward all of you with this piece I wrote ages ago, only with no pictures. I may later if I have time and energy fix this with nicely photoshopped monsters.
But not today, I have to run to read some history instead of making it myself! Sigh.
I've had my share of weird guys wanting to get on with this piece of meat. It's world mocking me for being stalkerish myself. You get what you serve!
Not that there has been too many, but there's a few interesting cases that had made me wonder, do some people really think that is a way to impress someone? If the situation is a bit different, if the other one seems also interested, then that kind of behaviour might be okay and you may not come off as a crazy stalker.
When I was a young awkward teenager I met this boy through my friends. Now if you think I have relationship problems today, oh boy I was a mess back then, even in the scale of being awfully young. 17 years old (might also be 16 but I can't remember too well anymore)! It's too young for a relationship for me! In one way I was on a prey for wanting to experience the world, so I did gave this boy a chance to impress me.
At first he seemed fairly normal. When he decided to try to impress me, it went from bad to worse.
He started pulling his sleeves way up and making sure that I was able to see his arms. Why? Of course, he was a cutter and wanted me to see how life was hard on him.
Well, good for him, didn't really earn him any cool-guy-points although I did feel a bit sad for him. Still, the fact that you're pushing your scars on my face makes you kinda pathetic.
Later when the evening went on, he wanted me to accompany him while he smoked. And to tell me stories. Stories about his first love. While crying.
Telling me that you're still not over your ex doesn't make me think that you have a lot of feelings to share and make me jump into your bed, it only makes me want to run away from a mess.
Right after this he gave me his black book. No, not a book that has girls phone numbers, a black book of touchy-feely poems. And song lyrics.
Good for you if you write, it's fine and cool. Don't make me read them in front of you on the first day we meet. And force me to comment on them. There's so much I can nod and smile with the "Mmmm!" -noise.
You'd think at this point he would have dug his grave for deep enough and I'd have my share of that mess.
Sadly, no. I was young and I gave him more and more chances while trying to think did I have anything for him (oh the curse of being naive).
We had awkward parties (or a party, can't remember) where he wanted to talk to me but I ran away most of the night. Because, you know, I LOVE when someone carries (literally) me away from my friends to a room just to talk feelings with a guy I'm not sure if I like. Well, no, I just fought my way free and left.
And after this the worst happened. He left his girlfriend for me.
There's not much I can say about this.
Right now, this memory makes me speechless.
Soon after that I made him clear that I wasn't interested.
Should have done that way sooner, cheez.
I do have a lonely memory when he tried to explain that she wasn't his girlfriend as much as a girl he just hanged with? I don't know. Sounded like a relationship enough for me.
Another cool guy was a bit earlier, maybe a year or two. I saw him once. Literally, once. And I didn't talk to him. He was a friend of a friend and really didn't thought about him much, other than remembering he making out with a friend of mine some time ago.
And that was enough for him to start sending countless of text-messages through at least a year.
Sometimes I'm too nice for my own good. He tried to ask me out many times and I respectfully declined. First I was super nice about it. Then not so nice. Then completely rude. And he just kept going and going.
And I just had to answer.
Finally I couldn't take it and I just snapped at him that I'm not interested and to leave me alone. He's response? Go Shakespare about it. He acted like I would have actually broken his heart or something.
After that I just didn't answer anymore. He still sent me a lot of "I'm sorry, let's start from the start" -messages which I ignored. Really, why? What's wrong with you guys?
Finally he ran into a beautiful friend of mine and started to harass her. I was thrilled and finally free!
This story has it's final peak years after this on a New Year's eve. I was leaving a party early and called a friend to pick me up. I knew he was driving because earlier he said that he had promised to be a designated driver to a friend of his.
And oh boy I couldn't stop laughing when I realized that this friend was the awkward text message -guy. We made some awkward small talk in the car while I was laughing my ass off and my friend dropped me off. And I'm not that awful, I didn't laugh at him, I laughed to the situation.
Later my friend told me that the guy had told him that years back I had slept with him. And then my friend couldn't stop laughing. At him.
Unlucky for the awkward guy that he didn't realize that me and my friend are really good friends and he knows almost everything about me so there wasn't really anything backing up his story.
What a douche.
And there you have it. I actually am having an exciting week (if we don't count the midterms) that I'm calling Fear Week. I'm not spoiling the contents of it right now, but tell you about it later WITH PICTURES. Yeah!
Next week is also Reading Week, in other words VACATION or Vancouver Week!
Too bad I also have to study there.
And now when I proofread my story I have this tingling feeling that I'm a bad person. Somebody, tell me I'm awesome and it was the guys who were the awkward ones, not me! :]
Just for starters, I noticed something odd about my last post. You might have noticed it too. I really don't know what happened, but hell, I just had to add my face multiple times like a 13-year-old girl who adds some lame filter to her upward taken photo and if she's feeling super deep, add some meaningful lyrics to it.
But just to make things right, I'll just leave this here.
I have a bone to pick with Canada.
One of my top reasons why I choose to go to Canada was the language barrier. I didn't want any. Because I have celiacs, I need to check every freaking product for traces of gluten. Which sucks altogether but think about me checking some Korean product for it's ingrediments. Yeah, good luck with that, I'm so good in Korean you know.
So English speaking country it is! I was confident and merry about my choice and arrived ready and feeling normal about my diet to be.
It's been three weeks and oh boy I want to eat.
No, let me refrase that, I want to eat food happily without the dark cloud on top if me that reminds me of not knowing if the food has gluten or not.
Guess what? Canada has the same feeling towards deep fried stuff and unhealthy white, doughy products as US.
They even deep fry some of their sushi. What the fuck is up with that? Who in their right minds wants to deep fry sushi?
And even if it's not deep fried, it has wheat protein or some else little fuckers that makes me think that they are doing it just of spite.
I believe every freaking place have their very own flourshaker. They make the food normally, realize it actually is gluten-free, so they add a hint of that beautiful snowywhite ingrediment of their cute little shakers.
Right now, my poor stomach is saying "HAHA, No.", I feel stuffed and huge and ill and I just want to sleep and cradle my food baby. And maybe throw up once in a while. Morning sickness is normal even with a food baby.
And I am sure I am eating gluten so often that all other side effects are showing their ugly heads.
I'm just so tired, sleepy and exhausted (different things!) that I'm not up for anything. I remind me of my old superhero alter ego Cocoon-girl. My super power is being able to create a cocoon out of anything, everywhere and disappearing in the darkest corner making horrible sound effects ("I'm so broken, squeeee!").
And also, I'm so god damn hungry.
There are still few nice things in the food area.
It's easy to pick up a fresh fruit platter from a near store, and there are few pizza and pasta places that have gluten-free stuff. McDonalds can go to hell here as I haven't yet found a place that had the gluten-free buns they have in Finland.
I think I need a bit more time and go to the right stores.
Finland, you beautiful old bastard, you know your gluten-free stuffs. I'm sorry for ever doubting you.
I'll end this with a picture that I dedicate to my sister. Shh, it's okay, you can be jealous.
Okay, now that 3 weeks has past of my last post I have to say few things other than whining about food.
I've been extremely lazy and gone to very close my "No." phase which is bad. Then when I almost got out of it I got sick instead and have been avoiding world some time. I need my time goddamit!
Weird thing about local medicine. I've been living few days with cough syrup as my throat has never been this sore in my entire life. The medicine is a tad stronger than back home so I've been kinda out of this world. Medicine, sleep, Harry Potter, sleep, medicine and so on.
I'm in The Order of Phoenix by the way.
It's so freakishly cold I already got a frostbite on my nose but didn't take a picture of it because I was in pain.
Did I already mention I'm out of this world?
Tomorrow I'll be back in school and I'll be damned if I keep leaving my camera behind anywhere I go. Sigh.
Just. I just. I'm wordless. I'll be back when I'm healthy and have found my reason to come out of "No."s. Cheers!
I have to shamefully admit that I have a quality that causes problems in my character and mental health. This despicable feature is, naturally, considering myself smarter than most of the people.
Nobody likes the assholes who thinks too much of themselves. So that is one reason for hiding that thought.
Nothing brings you down more than succeeding worse than you were expecting of yourself. Also when you realize how badly you are thinking of everyone else, you start to comprehend your own stupidness and oh the shame.
Again I'm having my famous empiric experiences about my smartness. As I've started a fresh start in a school with interesting classes, I automatically am checking how I'm doing with minimal effort and how others are failing around me.
And of course, soon I'll be late with assignments and when the finals edge near I will freak out.
The classes in Canada are quite different from what I'm used to back in Finland in my horrible school. Of course, I have different subjects and here it is much more University-like with lectures where you (oh my gosh) don't interact with the teacher.
At least the teachers seem really, really good. All of them are psyched about their subjects. You can see the autistic glee in their eyes when they are explaining the depths of what they know while trying to control their saliva from sliding off their mouths.
And this is what I absolutely love about teachers.
I did already consider dropping a class. And why would I give up so quickly?
The course I'm talking about is almost like Programming II back home called Intermediate Data Structure and Algorithms, so that's not that bad, right?
The set-up is annoyingly different from the programming I'm used to. Yeah, they use Java and Eclipse and all that shit I'm familiar with, but what the hell!
This shit doesn't say anything to me.
Do I really need to analyze and make calculations of how many statements my piece of code does? Yeah, it is important to make efficient and fast programs but honestly, this is not the way to go. Really.
Because everyone else has learned these analysing types in earlier classes, I'm a bit screwed. Luckily there is Tutorial classes that helps noobs like me to catch up. Unlucky for me, last time I had troubles focusing to the teaching.
If I looked at the board my eyes started to droop.
If I looked at the teacher I started to drool and think of unspeakable things.
If I looked at the table I had this growing desire to crawl on top of it and fall asleep.
So what to do?
My three other courses seems more easier, at least in the sense of staying awake. I have to make my own app for mobile platform and I don't know yet what to do. Maybe I just copy the idea of my t-shirt and call the app The Legend of Linkstache. There would be Link and you can insert different types of 'staches on his face. That would be cool.
If all else fails, I just drop that course or let it fail. I'm okay with this.
It's been five days since I arrived to Canada and it's also time to tell what's been up!
I actually lied before, I never went through Toronto. I totally forgot about that! So I had the longest flight of my life from London to Calgary. But free drinks and food while watching movies is a good way to spend time.
Red Dragon was very good and Jumanji is even better movie with fairly original idea. I also drank wine watching it so it got nice twist to it! Love Actually sucked monkey balls and I fell asleep between. Sleepy Hollow was, well, good enough. Wished I would have watched Babe instead.
So yesterday I was at my first party and do forgive me for being tired and a bit hangovery. It's also great time to blog because now I finally have enough time to do so.
The 22-hour trip was quite harsh and the jet lag after that quite tiresome. I arrived rather late and took a cab to hotel and slept like a baby. In the morning I decided to walk to the university with my luggage and all.
I actually had my first class the very first day, so I got my student card and paid rent and waited before going to Psychology 121, even before seeing my home to be.
I really like the classes I have had so far. And if they seem too much for me, I can always drop one. Two of them are Computer Science, one is Psychology and one is Classical, Medieval and Renaissance Study or something like that. There is still one CMPT course I've not been yet, but the other one seems nice and very close to my courses back home. So I'm happy about my choices!
One thing that bothers me is how expensive the textbooks are. $100 a piece is a lot. And what the seven hells, why I need three books for one course? Get your heads out of your asses.
My first days have run from orientation to shopping and trying to remember all the people and their names. Actually one Fin is most likely related to me, how freaky is that?
I really like my apartment and the school. I'm even more psyched about the new people I've met. So everything is really peachy!
I already had my authentic Canadian experience as I went to watch local hockey game. These people take hockey seriously. Just saying. Also, we won.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to continue my important job of hanging and making a mess. I'll continue later.
In these times I tend to find myself wrapped in a blanket with my teddy bear, Mellon, saying "No.".
I'm leaving in a few days to Canada for 4 months. And I'm supposed to pack and clean. You'd say that is a reason enough for not blogging and doing another important stuff, but No.
It's Christmas sales on Steam and GOG and I just have to try these new (and old) games I've got.
And now I spent my time playing Theme Hospital of all of the games.
But it's okay, I still have three whole days to arrange and stress. One day goes to New Years Eve party so that's a relief.
Ever since I was little I've dreamed about the day when I'm old and wise and ready to go as an exchange student. Well, now that I came to that old and wise age and go to a proper school, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go after all.
It's one of those moments that you wait and when the time is ripe, you chicken out. And right after the time is past you regret it horribly. For me, these moments happens all the time. Almost daily.
I pushed the decision making to the limit that I realized it was the last chance to go. And then I decided not to go.
It was Thursday evening and me and my friend were at the school after lecture hours doing homework and I mentioned that the applications for the Exchange program was due the next morning at 9 a.m. And in about couple minutes I decided that fuck it, there's no reason for me not to go so I really, really should try.
In 7 hours I created the worst CV and application combo I've ever made for anything with passport pictures and minimum qualifications for it to roll and deposit the thing 8 a.m.
And I got in. I prefer going on with a lot of luck. Makes life easier, don't you think?
I decided not to stress it and have been doing horrible job arranging things. But hey, with my luck, everything have been going smooth enough with no big mistakes. Small mistakes for sure, but who's counting.
Now I may have courses waiting for me in the University of Saskatchewan, city of Saskatoon. And a room in the College residence. Whoo!
I'm scared right now, but that's okay. I've made more rash decisions in the past that have turned out better than okay. It is those decisions that have turned out bad that push me down and I've never been the most confident person in the world.
Anyway, I've been busy and I will be busy for a while (have to finish that Theme Hospital!) and I know you'll miss me, but try to keep it together. I'll be back in no time with Canadian news to tell. And maybe I even have time to write posts beforehand in the 20 hour trip with 4 flights and 6809.56 km (4231.26 miles) to go.
Sometimes I'm a bit scared to fly so wish me luck!
I'm sometimes fairly sure I have some sort of AD(H)D. My concentration is as poor as it gets and I constantly jump from one thing to another. If someone is talking to me and I find the subject not interesting enough, I simply shut my ears. Of course a lot of people do this in some form, but it's ridiculous with me and I hate not giving attention to my friends.
But holy smokes what happens when I find something interesting to obsess about.
In some way I love the thumping my heart does and how my brain goes to override, but it can be painful and bad for me also. I take being interested in something to fairly unhealthy level.
First of all, I couldn't care less about anything else. Schoolwork? Never. Friends? Only forced. Boyfriend? I just realized why I'm single.
Not kidding, I actually arrange time from my friends and everything so I can spend some time with my obsession.
When I first started to watch Doctor Who, I actually left from a bar early so I could go home and watch the show.
While I read Harry Potter, I add in a character which I created so I could have someone to relate more and live in the magical world.
Ever since I started reading Jane Austen books I have been hoping to fall into a coma for a year or two so I could magically dive to early 1800's and live in England.
And it's not only books, movies or things, but actually people too. Yeah, give crazy stalker bitch a minute and she will obsess her brains out of you.
The problem is, it's hard for other people sometimes to cope with me. I have to fight all my time against my obsessing, but on the other hand, if I don't have any, I get bored and in the end depressed. None of the opposite sides are quite right.
Also I don't want to suppress myself so fuck off. If I want to sound like a squirrel, the hell you or I can do anything about it.
I was madly in love when I was 15. I had an unhealthy relationship with a band called Mew. My poor friends had to listen to the wrecked band if they wanted to spend time with me. This lasted for about two years.
For two looong years, it was the only freaking band I listened. Only. All the time. I gave into my brains to go berserk about that and I can surely say, it was fairly weird times.
The peak of that time came when Mew came to Finland. I was 16 and decided to visit Helsinki to see them and couple of my friends decided to come with me.
My friend said that we should order the tickets online rather than standing outside in -20C degrees for a few hours. I agreed on that and one morning we went to her moms work to use her computer and wait for clock to strike and buy the tickets.
And to my luck, when the clock was 9.00, we noticed that we needed to register to the website.
And after those few minutes all the tickets were sold.
I seriously thought I would hit or strangle my friend for her stupid idea that now ruined my life, but I forgave her when came news of a another gig due to overwhelming popularity.
I decided to wait the hours in the cold for the tickets.
And up we went with the tickets to Helsinki when the time was ripe.
We had heard rumors about the band giving autographs, but as there wasn't any news anywhere about it, I forgot about it.
My heart almost exploded when we found out that the rumor was true and we had the chance to get the autographs from a mall we were at!
The whole time waiting in the line I shook like I was having some sort of a seizure. I was worried that I might actually faint and tried to think something witty to say.
My time came up and the only thing I could blur out was shaky, sqeaky "hi" that was barely audible.
And right after I got out of the line I burst into a manic laughter while crying my eyes out.
My friends rushed me quickly outside to somewhere I could sit while I screamed like some snapped mental patient.
All that excitement burst like a bubble and I was a wreck. I laughed and cried at the same time while my friends desperately tried to calm me down.
After some embarrasing moments it was time to rush to the concert place so we could actually get nice seats. And it was all good until the time the final door to the concert hall opened.
I was almost in front of that line and pushed other freaks out of my way, ignored a security guy trying to back us off, ducked his hand and ran like a deer.
Too bad my deer impression reminded too much of Bambi's mom and my feet gave out and I fell.
Nope, I did not trip, my legs just went under me.
But the run was not over if I wanted to the front row.
So I gathered my shit and jumped up while some security guy screamed something after me which I ignored again. I have distinct memory it being something near "Carefully!" and "Do not run!".
The second I got my speed covered, I fell again.
I almost crawled the rest, but besides all my failing I got to the front row. The security guy apparently managed to hold people behind me enough time for me to get a heads up.
I turned around and realized I had left my friends behind and lost them.
But there was no way I was going to give my awesome spot up so the hell with them.
I spent the whole concert by myself, sometimes "accidentally" hitting person next to me who tried to swoop in front of me. I think I also jumped on top of another girls feet for the same reason.
Cause no one's gonna fuck with me, that's why. Ain't no one.
So I got my creepy fangirl-96 moments and found my friends afterwards. And for the rest of the year it was probably the only thing I ever spoke about.
Too bad for Jonas Bjerre, I have decided not to forcemarry him anymore. Or was it lucky for him...
Going to a vacation and decide to leave your laptop at home. No. If this thought comes to your mind, it only means that you definitely would need it.
So I went to a spa with my family and had a hard time finding things to do. And now I'm in pain as I had many ideas for blog posts, but not a proper way to write them. Pen and paper? I don't think so.
I did finish A Dance With Dragons, and now I need to wait MILLIONS OF YEARS for the next Song of Ice and Fire book. I absolutely LOVE that series! George R. R. Martin is a GOD. Today I will burst with excitement as I'm going to talk about the books and TV-series ALL NIGHT.
But not yet. Calm. Self. Now.
I also watched all our childhood films with my sister and dad. Oh boy we were awkward back then. Luckily now I'm so cool and awesome!
Okay, my point here now is that I've been insanely busy, I have list of things that needs to be done and I'm hardly ever home alone.
It's only a week until Christmas and ohmygodI'mgoingtodie 2 and a half weeks before I leave to Canada for 4 months. So I've been arranging moving stuff, school stuff, work stuff and buying presents. I have something to do every freaking day and unfortunately blogging is not in the top 10 things. I think I'll crab my laptop with me when I leave to Oulu in a few days. After that I'm going straight to Kajaani. After that is 26th and I'm coming back home and I have to pack and stress my brains out.
And on the 2nd of January my plane leaves over the Atlantic. Holy crap!
Good month being blog of the month, eh?
Anyhow, I think I'll put up one blog post as soon as I can and on the last week go Canada berserk and explode my stress over here to you!
I know you want to hear all that, I'm so lucky I have all of you. :)
I have to continue my previous rumble with a matter that makes me angry and frustrated.
No woman should ever have to eat birth control pills.
Those little fuckers are made from all the ingredients that PMS's and pregnancies are. Want to end your relationship quick and painfully? Then every girl's favorite pals are perfect for you!
Why on earth we are forced to eat these death pills that can turn a sweet girl into a crazy stalker bitch?
Again, some say that they don't have side effects on them, but I don't believe those people actually exist. At least I'm definitely not one of those people. Those people either lie to justify their reasons for eating them or are dumb enough for not noticing the side effects.
But hey, it's the best birth control on the market, especially because they bring down every women's libido so down that there's no sex to protect in the begin with. 100% effective indeed!
My personal favorite was the first brand I tried. Side effects kicked in the first days and they were unbelievable. Remember me being a PMS-monster from the last post? Well, the pill made me feel like I was on the worst days of my PMS all the time. All. The. Time.
I screamed to everybody and wanted to fight, I cried for no reason whatsoever and my stomach cramped just to annoy me.
I remember driving a car wondering how safe it must be for the passengers as I felt a need for a fetal position every few minutes. Yeah, constant cramps. Makes life a really happy place!
It also brought up my migraine on those "days of rest" when you don't eat the pill and you have your body go through periods. And as periods aren't painful enough to go through!
Definitely it wasn't one of my glorious moments when I was laying on my bathroom floor at 4 am, throwing up because the migraine was so sever, head feeling close to explosion, stomach in unbelievable pain and back and legs aching. And you can't eat any painkillers because you throw them up immediately.
Every month, 5 days straight of migraine, first and last of them being so bad that I kept throwing up.
And was it worth it?
Well I did pick fights with my sister, I almost started smoking as I found it to be the only thing that helped my wrecked nerves, my then-boyfriend almost lost his mind and my very favorite and the most embarrassing, screamed to my ex for a good evening for no reason. Nice touch, really.
But hey, at least I wasn't getting pregnant!
I changed brands after three months (3 months of hell for me and everyone around me) and the next one did fit better for me. Except the migraine. And the libido part. And few other effects, like not feeling anything sometimes. But that's nothing.
Luckily after having tried few brands, I'm content not to try them anymore. Migraine can't handle it and it's okay for me.
I'm ready to rip out eyes from every man who tries to suggest to a woman to eat the pill. NO. They are not made for humans. Don't ask your woman to go through them.
To be completely honest, I truly wish I could eat them. And from time to time I try them. The few positive effects that they are supposed to have fascinate me enough to keep on trying. But until this very day, I'm not satisfied.
Actually, if you look at the timeline of the effects, I'm going to a correct way. At first we started with a completely craziness and horrible pain and shit broke loose. After that we have slowly dropped down few of the side effects one by one.
I made a supercool diagram with paint for this occasion!
So if I'm super lucky, after few tries, statistically speaking I could go side effect-free, right? Right?
I also cheated and made the diagram show me going actually to a likeable state. And for a reason too! I'm thinking if we combine my current state that is progressing all the time with the possibility that some pills might actually made my PMS easier, then this diagram as optimistic as it is, could be realistic in the end.
I'm 100 % sure that whenever I'm trying to get pregnant I'm found infertile. Then I can sit down and wonder how all the years struggling with the right birth control goes down the toilet. All that trouble and pain for nothing!
Sounds about my luck.
P.S. I'm still trying to find the best way for inserting pictures. Should I just take them of stuff that may or may not relate to the topic or dig some old ones? I don't know.
Right now I'm really really tired so I didn't have the energy to figure awesome pictures as NOTHING goes with this topic. Except maybe a hundreds pictures of screaming women.
This won't be the prettiest text I've made and brace yourself if you're a dude.
Sometimes I hate being a woman. I'd say statistically once per month I prefer calling myself Juuso (Finnish boys name) than Jutta. Of course I'm referring to the bloody mess called period.
There's millions of jokes about women turning into werewolves and we poor bastards can't do shit about it. There are those who survive with only a few cramps and chocolate bars and oh boy I envy those people.
I happen to be one of those unlucky bastards that Get It All. The whole package!
I remember my first period. Of course you're expecting it to happen at some point and you talk about it with your friends. Holy smokes I couldn't understand one of my friends who wanted them to start so bad. I thought it would be the end of my childhood and who the hell wants to suffer monthly for a week of time for the next 40 years?
Sadly, in the glory age of 14 at a gym class, I had to gave in. Because I'm a bit slow and it's a whole new experience, it was quite a shock. Did I just shit my pants and not noticed doing so?
Thank god for black pants. Yeah, I said it. Too much information? But it's true! Ever seen those Japan flags also called white pants wearing unfortunate souls? You wish you hadn't.
Finally I accepted my fate and braced my womanhood with bitter and embarrassing feelings. Suddenly playing basket ball wasn't so fun and I graved for the suffering to end and get home. My mom took the news better than me, probably just thinking "holy shit, my youngest kid is old enough to have babies" or something.
If I then would have known how my body would handle periods in the future, I most likely would had a mental breakdown right then and there at the gym class.
Approximately two weeks before Code Red, I start feeling the effects of being a glorious woman. My mind decides that it's time to fuck everything up and turns me into a raging moodswinging monster.
I get highly depressed, I scream and cry for no reason and my gaming rage goes over the top. I can't explain exactly how my mind works then, but it sure is straight from your worst nightmares. And I swear, it gets worse and worse by the years.
A week before Code Red I start to get cramps and a few days in a full bodied pain all over my body. My legs and back aches and I start to swollen up. It's not too bad comparing what I'm about to embark, but it's no dance in rose pedals. It also causes needless panicking "oh shit, oh shit, it's almost time, any day now".
And when it's time, it's no fucking around.
The pain is unbelievable. In 10 minutes from the start the pain is simply too much to bear. My hands shake and I'm feverish. I can't eat but I want to eat everything. The only thing that helps is massive amount of painkillers and that is how I survive the first two days. It's the peak of my personal hell that I dread to my very core.
My dream would be to spend those days at home, in my bed, covered with blankets and someone petting my head saying "there, there". Also bringing me food and goodies. But no, there's no other options but to get up and go to work/school and live normally.
My strategy surprisingly often is to get so drunk that I forget I'm in pain. Clever, huh?
Guys have NO idea how horrible it can be and I swear, if I hear whining about how someone must have "that time of the month" or any other kind of jokes towards PMS-crazing monsters, I rip someones throat out. Oh the irony, eh?
But hey, only 30-40 years to go.. Yay me.
P.S. Next summer I shall look like I did in the picture above. LET'S START WEIGHT LOSS BLOGGING!
P.P.S. The one good thing about periods is knowing you're not pregnant!