How to catch an elephant
Blog of life, survival, work, health, traveling and other various things.
Sunday 9/9/18 time 7:42 PM - Judibug
And here we are.
This is about what I've been up to in the past 4 years. This is about failure and how it affects us.
I'm a sensitive person. I am terrified constantly of being judged, being rejected and - you guessed it - failing in general. On top of that, for all my life I've made ridiculously high expections of myself. When I was seven, all I wanted was to be better than others and like the most humblest of first graders, skip the second grade. I did not. And over 20 years later I'm still bitter about it.
That's the thing, I made goals way above my abilities and then gave myself shit about it for the years to come. Now I'm 29 and I still do it.
Guess what though? Failure is okay. It happens all the time, it happens to everyone and it's very healthy to happen. It only gets wrong when you can't let it go, when you make it personal and rip up your anxiety and dwell on it.
In the past 4 years I've failed in many ways. I had things in control, I graduated and I got hold of my depression and started to enjoy life fully. I also stopped working on with my ADD because "I probably didn't have it" and "Even if I did, who cares". You can probably guess also that that decision will bite me in the ass later. :D
As I already mentioned, I had to give up my dog away around 2015 after being guite sick for long periods at the time. That's probably one of the biggest failures I've had, right next to the good ol' "went to Denmark to go to Africa and returning in less than a week because I forgot to Google is the organization legit". I felt awful for not being responsible enough to care for my dog. Who gives up their dogs? Bad people. That makes me one of the bad people. I still feel that way even though I know it was the only option for both of us to have fulfilling and healthy lives.
In 2014 I also bought my first apartment for me and my pup to live in.
I've also had couple of relationship, two quite good ones in my standards and with one fitting perfectly in my timeline.
You see, even though I lost the dog and hated my apartment, I was in a good place in general. Confident, having a good job and lovely friends. Didn't care about my health issues in a bad way, just enough to care for them by traveling and visiting the doctors I deemed needed. But here's the part that makes things tricky. When one thing fails, it causes a chain reaction that at one point you may not be able to stop.
Relationships are fickle and there are many reasons why they might not work. I'm not perfect. Neither have been my partners. The first good relationship ended and I did get back to my feet and good ways. I still excercised. My psoriasis started to get better. Wildly better actually, it disappeared for a little while fully.
But the rejection was horrifying experience. It took some time to get back in the track.
The second good one was a very meaningful for me. I'd finally reach a point in my life where I was honestly happy so I actually could give a lot to the relationship. I also made some mistakes, because I am a faulty person. I'm an empathetic person and can go overboard trying to help my chosen people to the point I smother them. But the other person did not want it. What I did was to forget myself trying to please the other.
If you don't know it yet, being overly excited about some thing is an ADD thing. It can get obsessive, and the subject can be a person as it can be a hobby. I recently bought 15 plants because I sometimes don't have control over my obsessiveness and impulses.
Now put together rejection sensitivity, obsessive head over heels love and an unwanted break-up and you get a very, very intense encounter in timeline. At that point my blissfull happiness was already on a shaky ground, because I was getting bored in other aspects in my life. The awful apartment still after 3 years, work that was otherwise lovely but my brain kept screaming "Is this it?".
Two weeks after the break-up in my stable situation I decided to do everything I can to make things in my life exciting and happy again and that included selling the old place, buying a new one and starting a new job with new challenges.
2017 was quite a year. Some bad things happened. Actually quite good many things happened too. I got my current home and my current job which are both dear to me. But I definitely was not in the right mind-set to do all those things.
I had failures in selling the old place which worked the best in the end. Big ass failure was the job I took at the same time I was renovating the new place. I worked normally and spent all my free time at the new place painting etc. Summer rolled around and it was just plain full. I also spent more time excercising at the same time I did all these other things. I did not have one spare moment for months.
And by the end of the summer I couldn't get up. First I thought it was the break-up that I was wildly ignoring finally catching up with me. Well it was that. It was also the new job that I was not comfortable being in. It was the fact that I was exhausted by having intense hayfever and not having any vacation. Well I did take two weeks of vacation that I spent traveling and renovating and partying. Again, had zero days resting. It was just a normal good old burn-out from things I decidedly ignored.
When you let things go as far to get an actual burn-out, you're simply way too far. By that point you should just accept it and have the rest. It's okay.
I did not.
In the end, I'm glad of my choices. But only because I'm slowly healing now, a year later.
Anyway, my rambling story continues. I was a complete mess and had a job I did not enjoy but it paid for my glorious new place. I took a week worth of sick leave and then went back acting everything was fine. I got lucky and had a job interview from another place and suddenly I had in my hands an amazing offer.
But even with my glorious new offer I hesitated a lot. I was exhausted. I wasn't sure if things were bad because of the work or another things. So I spent few days crying and accepting the failure that was my job of almost 6 months. At this point I was trying to accept the failure of my relationship too, had zero confidence so you can imagine how I felt about starting yet again a new job with even higher standards. But I took the offer anyway.
That was actually a good decision. In hindsight, better solution would have been staying and having a loooong sick leave. But that's neither here or there, as I didn't feel comfortable to do so anyway in a relatively new job.
One thing I left out was that the new home I bought had a big ass renovations coming up and that meant 3 months living out of the building, still paying mortgage so there was no money to rent other place. Again, a very bad decision in my fragile state, but that actually went much better than I was expecting.
I started to heal slowly, and found new hope and strength after spending a month traveling in Asia. I survived the whole 3 months of homelessness thanks to my friends, work and lonely trip in the world.
I would love to say at this point how I suddnely met a prince charming on a white stallion, excelled at everything in my job and am now the happiest thing in the world. But life is not about happy endings because even if you reach a happy state, it's not something that ends anything or stays by itself.
At this point I'm just starting to accept my failures and let go of a bunch of regrets.
Remember when I said that ignoring my ADD will bite me in the butt? Well that has taken a chunk of my arse the whole time. The whole story has elements of fuck-upery I could have worked better if I had any understanding who I am as a person (and who I am not). I'm not saying ADD is a condition that needs to be healed. I'm saying that if I wouldn't have ignored it, I'd be more aware of myself and understand how I react to things and how I can work with things and use my qualities as an advantage.
So I started that project after I found my new zen and knew that it wouldn't last. Of course it didn't last, didn't you just read the whole rambling? I have a shorter fuse for a blow-out year after year. But at least I started the whole health -project in time. I already had a major failure at work as I did not meet my horrifying expectations. "I got better, now I should be awesome and happy" and oh boy I was not happy about.. well.. not being happy.
That takes us to this moment. My initial reaction to my newest fuck-up after promising being awesome again was to give up. I did not though. And now I'm happy about that.
Here's a collection since 2014 of things that has happened, I've started and/or failed and probably will fail because as I am as a person:
And the list goes on with other stupid things, some bigger, some very small.
The point is, we cannot shy away from our shortcomings and failures. Things will not always go the way we want and plan. I know how I react to rejection and failure and need to work on that. I've tried a year to just generally 'be happy' but that's not how you do it. So one thing at a time I'll let those things go with a goal to just.. stop thinking about things I can do nothing about anymore.
Here you have it, in a nutshell what has been going on.
I can now make promises to start writing again, and I do have stories about travels, ADD, psoriasis and some other things. So I might tell those. If not, then I'll add it to my Fail -list and move on.
TL;DR: I was happy, then I wasn't happy, I made a bunch of questionable choices and now I'm relatively okay.
Saturday 9/8/18 time 4:39 PM
Finally had the courage to open this place again.
My heart skipped a beat by one or two nice comments (and hatred for spam messages)
I've been thinking about returning and I will. Not in this instant though.
Main points what is up:
- Still psoriasis
- No more dog :(
- More struggling
- More adventures :)
I'm back babydolls.
Friday 3/7/14 time 10:00 PM - Ellie Von Bun
Sorry for being quiet and stealthy just publishing new site without a word.
Couple words about it though. The old site died with Wordpress. Had to make a new one. I made one day at some time ago and I used the product of the company I work with. That's about it. I didn't even bother to do a layout design before creating it so it's a first draft. Sue me. At least we still have elephants!
I totally lost my cool about my skin condition. Then I decided I'm gonna do something about it.
Some people might be curious what my skin looks now. I would be.
My life jumped a tiny bit harder mode than before. It's unfair in my opinion. My legs went to really bad shape. Itching was unbearable. If I dared to scratch (which is something you just have to do at some point) the pain was killing me. And even if didn't scratch.. well it was still painful.
And it was spreading.
How much I tried to use different lotions, nothing was working with my skin. My arms and stomach started to get more spots in a wildy rapid motion.
These are my legs a year ago happily showing of my brand new tattoo like a proper teenage girl. Couple of moles here and there. No more.
After getting few spots I went to a dermatologist and other doctors and hoped for the best.
Hope didn't work.
At some point I pretty much gave up for ever being pretty again. I was thinking of becoming a proper butterface as it was looking at that point that the fucker will creep on my face too.
Well luckily my face is still clear but my body is not. Here are couple photos from around three weeks ago, almost a year after the previous picture.
These are also just before I went to Cape Verde for a week long vacation. And that vacation was meant for my skin.
In these pictures the spots are quite ok looking. I've just out of a shower as my skin is still wet and have already put lotions on, so they just look red without the dry part.
You can also see that my hand looks better than my legs.
I decided mainly take pics from my legs and I'd still have plenty but these shall do.
Somedays my skin is better. Somedays it's not.
Today I went to see the same dermatologist again. As my skin has only gotten worse and more straightforward, she gave me the official diagnosis and all the needed papers so I can have treatment. With light! Light treatment!
So I will get my skin burned up nicely with fake sun. Beware fake tanned teenagers, I'm following your footstepst! With an actual health reason of course.
I might apply for a sun treatment trip in the next fall to the Canary Islands. Also for very cheap!
Anyhow, I got a bunch of new lotions and the weather is getting easier to live with so I hope for the best.
I can leave this rant with two words: Why me?
In other things, I'm still planning on buying an apartment. I've even put a couple offers but lost them. But I have time!
I've finished everything in my school except for my thesis which I'm starting pretty much now. I want to graduate this summer. And I will.
So if I disappear again for some time, I'm working and doing my thesis so I'll be busy. Still.
But I might visit. For skin updates at least!
Sofi says HELLOO
Oh boy my skin looks almost fine in the sun.